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This post was provoked, once again,by a comment by DrSteve (whose blog The Top Two Inches I recommend) on my previous post about Heroes and Models.

Mentors are very valuable.  The best way to learn a complex behaviour is from a mentor (imagine trying to learn to drive from a lecture!).  If we had more mentors we could learn far more far more quickly and far more easily I think.

However, the relationship between the mentor and the person being mentored can be difficult.  If we are the one being mentored our childlike feelings about parents can come out - wanting a perfect parent, wanting a strong parent to look after us, wanting a strong parent to rebel against and so forth.  If we are the one doing the mentoring we may find that we have unresolved needs to be maternal or paternal (and they may not be confined to either sex).  When this happens, and it’s likely to some extent in every mentoring relationship, then we can easily feel needy, angry and betrayed.

One way to help deal with this relationship is to sort out the difference between hero(in)es and models.  Hero(in)es are people who we feel are of a different kind to us - they are what it means to be something (a man, woman, athlete, businessperson and so on).  With a hero(ine) it is them as a person that we want to be (and feel we aren’t).  Models are people we learn a skill from.  The person who teaches us to drive doesn’t need to be a terribly admirable person, they just need to know how to drive and, preferably, know how to teach us well.

Try to be clear at the start.
So when establishing a mentoring relationship it is worth (for the sake of both), to establish at the outset: What it is that is to be learnt?  This should help keep the relationship focused on learning from a model.  This may trickier than it first seems.  Experts can ’see more’ in their field than the non-expert.  Becoming expert means gaining sharper perception as well as greater skills.  Putting time into establishing clearly what is to be learnt can save a lot of arguing later.

Wanting a Hero(ine) can be a problem.
When the relationship gets messy (it may not be clear what has gone wrong) it may be that one person one to shift to having a hero(ine) or being a hero(ine).  In this case it is worth asking: What do I want from this relationship?  If your answer doesn’t focus is not learning a skill then this needs to be addressed.  You are probably wanting this person for a hero not a model.  It may be possible to discuss this with the other person.  It may be possible to gain awareness by yourself (through things such as journaling, visualisation and meditation) or you may need a good listener to talk it through with.

Finding who our hero(in)es are should help us be aware of our unmet needs.  If we need a good father or mother, because our own was abusive for instance, then ignoring this won’t help.  We may be able to to do something about this ourselves (there are an unbelievable number of books and courses we can use to educate ourselves) or we may need assistance from others.  It may be scary but we can tell someone else that we wish they had been our parent and make this part of the relationship (in my experience this is part of most relationships anyway).  There are less scary ways to say this, like: I thing you do X really well, would you teach me how you do that?

It is probably easiest if you can keep unmet needs out of a mentoring relationship.  If you can’t then it will probably be best to acknowledge this and call on outside help if necessary.

Mentors aren’t perfect.
An ideal mentor is a good teacher of what they do, as well as being an expert at what they do.  Unfortunately, mentors are usually chosen for their performance in their chosen field and so they may not be good teachers - they may be quite bad at it.  This is hardly the mentors fault - after all they’ve been developing their skill in their field and that is why they are wanted as a mentor.  Usually this will be easy to spot.  And it should be easy to address: the mentor will either be able to become a better teacher or not.  The question here is: What do I want my mentor to do that they are not doing?

The mentoring relationship can be deeply fruitful and rewarding for everyone involved.  These three questions should help the relationship be the fruitful and joyous relationship it they can be.