Image by s-a-m
Sometimes we’re in a bad situation. In this case it may be best to leave as soon as you can. Why? Because being in a bad situation drains our energy. This means that we have less energy to change the situation, or to leave. This can become a vicious circle. The bad situation drains our energy, so we have less energy to leave. And we end up stuck in an awful situation. So, it seems wise to get out before we are drained and stuck.
The question, I guess, is: “But, how do I know?” Leaving a relationship as soon as the tiniest thing doesn’t suit us is hardly a recipe for happiness. Here are some rough and ready guidelines:
Is the situation abusive? If the relationship is abusive it is usually best to leave. It is rare for an abuser to change before they have to (few of us want the extra hassle of change in our lives; this isn’t meant as a criticism, just an observation).
Have I done what I know how to do? If I were perfect perhaps I could make any relationship work. But I’m not perfect, and I don’t know everything. And I’m entitled (as is everyone) to respect. Even if it is “all my fault” (though this is extremely rare – usually it takes two) it can still be worth leaving (and thinking about how to avoid making the same mistake again).
Have I sought wisdom from others (either in person or indirectly – through books, seminars, blogs and so forth). We can all learn from others. It has been of huge benefit to me to have others who can ’see the situation from outside’. This doesn’t mean that they give their opinion (this may be important too) but that they tell me how they see what is going on. When we are in the middle of something, especially when we have strong emotions, it can be difficult to see clearly.
Am I being exhausted instead of nourished?
Do I have the choice of staying? Of course you do. I do think though that you need to make this as a conscious choice. I doubt that kidding ourselves that a bad relationship is a good relationship, or that someone who hasn’t changed is going too, helps anyone.
I realise that this can be a very emotional subject and that many may disagree. I would like to hear your responses in the comments: disagreements, different perspectives, your own thoughts and experiences, are all very welcome.
If you liked this post you might also like:
When You Learn Abuse, You Live Abuse (a guest post by Barbara)
How to Deal With Your Perfectionism
A Psychological Health Checklist
Tags: leaving, Relationships
Sometimes you just couldn’t leave the relationship, like relationship with spouse or children. I think seeking professional help also a good choice before you made a bad decision eventually.
Robert
Yes, you can – and in some circumstances should in my view. Sometimes staying perpetuates abuse and this is not good in my opinion.
Seeking professional help can be of great benefit I think.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Robert.
Robert,
Being in the midst of an abusive situation, I can understand your position. I do have professional help as I try to navigate my way on this path. Seeing oneself in an abusive situation, and believing it, is only the first step. And a step I take over and over, sometimes many times a day.
Most often abuse is obvious, but no one wants it to be true. In my case, abuse was subtle, so I really didn’t ‘know’. Until I realized that wasn’t true, I did know, and I truly had accepted it as ‘the way it is’. I did have to see the correlation of abuse and the destruction it has caused to make things more real.
Then seeing and believing you can do something about it comes next. It is extremely difficult when the people you may be separating from are long term relations, family members, etc.. The want to repair what is occurring is the greatest detractor in making a change. It is more than hard to believe someone you love and have loved for a very long time, including oneself, have somehow gotten themselves mixed up in abuse. But once you understand that, there is no turning back. I’ve tried. And continue to have the internal arguments with myself, maybe if I do this…
My therapist advises exactly what Evan has advised in this article. The depletion of energy is a big factor putting one in a real catch-22. Specificaly having the energy to accomplish the separation and all that entails. But it is the abuse that depletes one’s energy, very often invisibly.
The reason my therapist and Evan give for making this change is responsibility. If I do nothing, try to stay where I am, I am condoning the abuse because it just does not change by itself nor disappear. Even if I change and the other does not. In not breaking this physical proximity and availability, I actually am perpetuating the abuse, even if I do nothing to actively engage.
There really is nothing harder for me to believe right now. Changing my mind is more than difficult. Know that in saying all this, I am still struggling to convince myself it is all true. It is also difficult to see the only one solution stance, leave. I am struggling to take the necessary actions. For me, it does also mean giving up my home, finding new employment and many other changes I need to navigate as well. Overwhelming hardly describes it sometimes. And heartbreaking, too.
Hi Barbara,
My thoughts are with you. I do have some idea of how hard it is for you. Evan