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I think we can get more intimacy in our lives - but indirectly. When I say “indirectly” I don’t mean sneakily. To explain this strange situation I need to explain what I mean by intimacy.

Our intimate moments are those where we feel that we are close to another person. We feel a sense of them as an individual. What is unique or precious about them. To do this requires us to be in touch both with the other persons (or people) and with ourselves. The closer each person is to the core of who they are, the deeper the intimacy.

Intimacy can be fleeting - sharing a thought or feeling with another through a meeting of the eyes - or deep enough to change our lives - say, by developing a new friendship.

There is also a fake intimacy that people can evoke in us: they lead us to be in touch with ourselves and avoid giving of themselves. They lead us to be so close to our own thoughts or feelings that we don’t notice that they aren’t doing the same. This may be quite helpful to us even, but for me it is not intimacy. For me intimacy is a genuine meeting. If one person isn’t participating then it is not intimacy.

Intimacy, because it means a giving of ourselves, can’t be demanded. Demands will usually lead to people closing down, not opening up. Respecting the other person’s privacy is one thing that makes intimacy possible.

This is what I meant when I said that the way to get more intimacy is indirectly. Making a direct demand is unlikely to lead to intimacy. Instead we need to create the space where people feel relaxed and willing to share of themselves. And a big part of this is feeling relaxed in ourselves and willing to listen to the other person. When I am nervous or distracted it is difficult for intimacy to grow. By being willing to share from myself, and welcome the other person so that they can speak from the core of who they are, I can create the environment where intimacy can flourish. This requires a genuine willingness to be in touch with myself and the other person.

This is what I meant when I said that we couldn’t get more intimacy sneakily. Intimacy is a genuine meeting and anything underhand will destroy it.


We can get more intimacy into our lives by:

• Being in touch with our own feelings and motivations.
• Monitoring our reactions when talking to someone and sharing them when we feel it is appropriate.
• Welcoming any thoughts and feelings that the other person shares. If you disagree or are repelled by them be willing to share your response, along with your reason for it.
• Sharing strong feeling that come up in a relationship. If you are unsure if it is appropriate to share these feelings, then you can think about it and perhaps get back to the other person later. Especially if it is anger, it may help to wait so that you can express it more coherently or calmly. When done well (without blaming the other person for your feeling) the expression of anger can lead to quite genuine meeting. If someone is angry with you, then see if you can understand their feeling and express your understanding of their feeling if appropriate. In any long term relationship it is usually necessary for change to occur - and anger is frequently part of this process. Being able to deal with anger well will help the relationship.
• Creating times and places where it is possible to relax and get in touch with our deepest motivations. If you always meet your friends in a busy and noisy cafe this will not be the most likely place for intimacy to occur. This doesn’t mean needing to meet them at home, just in a calmer place - outdoors perahps, or in a place that is quiet and where you can take your time.

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