Intimacy Comes from Respecting Secrets

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Have you ever watched a young child wanting to tell a secret. They often announce it to a room full of people and then sometimes tell it loud enough for the other people to hear. This is funny; it is also intriguing. What is going on here? It isn’t about other people not knowing, or the child wouldn’t announce it. My feeling is that it is about defining the boundaries of a relationship – a feeling of specialness. The child is pointing out that they and the person they tell the secret to have a special relationship.

When we are in love we also tell secrets to each other, and so mark out the relationship as special.

This can get difficult when we are expected to tell our secrets. I remember once a friend confided a secret to me that was quite outside my experience, and so I was unable to reciprocate. I experienced this as uncomfortable; I felt that it was expected that I should tell a similar secret – but I didn’t have one to tell. This didn’t end the relationship but it meant that that conversation ended fairly messily.

Sometimes, especially in the throes of romantic intensity, the demand to tell our secrets can be explicit: “I want to know everything about you!”

While the passion in this statement can be endearing I think it can be quite mistaken. If followed through with it can become quite disrespectful. We can feel trampled by the other person’s intensity. Respect isn’t the whole story for a good relationship but I do think it is a necessary ingredient.

If it is demanded that we tell our secrets then we can feel defensive and this will probably lead to greater distance, or even coldness, in the relationship. When we want to share our secrets this can lead the relationship to greater intimacy.

There are times when keeping secrets doesn’t enahance the intimacy in a relationship. This is when it’s a power play. Like a child saying, “I know a secret!” With the unstated message of, “And you don’t” or, “So there”. This is to set up a competition – to not only be special but to be more special than another. This is keeping the secret but displaying that we have one to keep. In the adult world this becomes more complicated – letting people know that someone has confided in us can be awfully subtle. And much of gossip it seems to me is motivated by the desire to be special, to be part of those “in the know” – those who know a secret.

It seems to me that one of the precious gifts we have to offer those we love is to respect their secrets. In my experience this is one way to bring greater intimacy into our relationships.

I feel I have only begun to scratch the surface of this topic. So, let me know your experience. What role do secrets play in your relationships? When do they help or maybe they sometimes hurt? Let me know in the comments.


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Tags: intimacy, Relationships, respect, secrets