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One of the most helpful pieces of advice for improving relationships that I know is to use “I statements”.
An ‘I statement’ is where you state that it is your opinion or view that you are giving. Instead of saying that ‘that’s an awful colour’ or ‘that opinion is so dumb’ it’s usually more helpful to our relationships to simply put in an “I”: ‘I really don’t like that colour’ or ‘I think that is so dumb’. It really is that simple, and it can have major benefits.
The benefits are both for the person listening and the person speaking.
If I’m the listener it gives me more of an opening to discuss with the speaker. If I’m told that ‘something is . . . [awful, delightful, good, stupid, whatever]‘ then there is not a lot I can say except ‘yes’ or ‘no’. It is easy for the conversation to come to an end. Probably the best thing to do in this situation is to ask the reason for their statement. Depending on the response you get you may be able to take the conversation further. This will depend on if the person is willing to give a reason, and not say something like, “Because it is . . . [awful, delightful, good etc].
If I’m the speaker it helps me to be more thoughtful and pay attention to what I’m talking about. When I say that ‘something is . . . [something]‘ this is usually my first response. And usually my last response too – I don’t think anymore about it. If I say instead that, ‘I think . . . ‘ then it is possible for me to get more interested in either the thing I’m talking about (what is it about this that I like or dislike) or my reasons for liking it (is the colour, shape, what it reminds me of, which values of mine are triggered and so on).
Politics as an example. Politics often leads to quite definite opinions that are expressed without much of an ‘I statement’ in sight. In my country (Australia) we have just ejected a decidedly right wing government (the major party in which is curiously called ‘The Liberal Party’) and installed a party that some regard as left wing and I regard as centrist. Throughout Australia recently we have had lots of conversations that go roughly, “How can you vote for . . . [insert party name here] . . . they are . . . [insert negative word here] . . .’ This has led to much argument but has not led to much by way of deepening relationships or getting to know each other better. It is possible to change these kind of conversations by using I statements. They then can become conversations like, “I could never vote for [insert party] . . . because they are . . . [insert moral shortcoming] . . .’ or, ‘because they . . . [insert broken promise] . . . ‘ From this kind of statement it is easier to move on to a more productive discussion. This is only one example but I hope it makes the point about how useful I statements can be in helping relationships.
One thing that I statements are not is just talking about myself endlessly. The purpose of using I statements is to convey information and engage with the other person. It is not just talking about me and my opinions. This is just as unproductive for relationships as not using I statements. No one wants to hear me talking endlessly about myself and my interests. They do want to get to know me and what I care about. This is a tricky balance. My way of dealing with it is to major on listening to others, they will usually ask what I think on the topic they are talking about. People who never do this and are happy to talk about themselves for ever (and they surely do exist) I try to avoid.
I statements are simple and can lead to great improvements in our relationships.
How have you found them? Have you found that other people using them has helped you? If you have used them has it made a difference for you? Let me know in the comments section after this post.
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Nice application to politics. (I recently heard a man say: “I’ve always voted X; I could never vote Y”. And I thought two things: 1. Never? No matter what? 2. And, You’ll never have an interesting thing to say about politics either, is my guess.)
Using ‘I-statements’ means humbling oneself a a little, getting off the soap-box and listening. When it comes to politics it can be very rewardng to now and then adopt a completly naive position. What I mean is not to con the other person, but to adopt the role of someone who truly wants to know. E.g. Tell me what it is you like about X. Mm, I see that this doesn’t look like an I-statement, but do think that in effect it is (it’s saying something like: I want to know what you know)?
Yes I do think it is effectively statement in light disguise.
The point of I statements is to get us to recall our agency (in my humble opinion). When we know it is we who are asking they have done their job.
I do think it can be really useful in political discussions. I think we often have shared values that don’t come out until we enquire a little more deeply.
Thanks for your comment DrSteve.
Evan