The second way we stuff up relationships is by dumping on others stuff we ‘kind of absorbed’ in the past. (Technically this is called ‘introjection’.)
The stuff we kind of absorbed (introjected) is different to the stuff we learned – the language we speak, the hobbies we pursue, the tasks we learned to perform.
What we learned we have choice about
- we choose our words, when to do our hobbies, how to do the different tasks we do.
What we introjected tends to come out automatically. The rather crass expressions ‘I’m spewing’ or ‘having a spew at someone’ are talking about introjection. It is like we have swallowed an attitude without digesting it and so instead of feeding us we spew it back out. Sometimes even the voice of the person will change – they will even sound like the parent or whoever they picked up this attitude from.
The problem is that we are just responding automatically from the past when we do this.
We are not responding to the person or people we are now with. Perhaps you have been talking to someone and they have come out with a statement that seems to have almost nothing to do with what has been said. You are left thinking, “Where did that come from?”. Most likely it was an introjection coming out.
This is easy to spot when others do it; but how can we know when we are doing it. If we can find out when we are doing it then we can get back in touch with who we are with and we will have a relationship again – instead of just re-running the past.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Get to know how you were brought up. Try drawing a plan of your home in different colours for the different emotions you felt.
- To be more detailed: write a book that gives the instructions or rules someone would have to follow to have your attitude to life.
- Think for yourself, and others others, ‘what makes you spew’.
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