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We are vulnerable – fragile. We are dependant in many ways on our environment.
We need food to live on. Water is even more important and air to breathe more important again. And this is just the physical. To live a satisfying human life requires more – friends, a sense of control over our own life. A sense of contribution and meaning. Take away any one these things and our life deteriorates.
I think we are often uncomfortable with our vulnerability – especially the social and spiritual aspects. We don’t mind our dependance on oxygen but we like to be independant of others. In some ways this is puzzling. We don’t think that people are just a collection of physical things but we are uncomfortable with the less physical dependance. Why don’t we embrace our dependance on others and celebrate that we are social beings, that there is joy in meeting others and that we are capable of compassion?
I think the answer is that people aren’t nearly as reliable as oxygen. We have been betrayed by people but not by water. The supply of the social requirements for life are subject to the whims of others.
The usual response to this situation is to try and become independant. The end result of this process (even if it were possible) would be to not need other people for happiness. We would effectively be disconnected from others; which I’m not sure is desirable. Complete independance, no connection with others, would also mean no compassion.
What is the alternative? To be dependant on others is scary! There are people who are cruel and abusive, it’s no use pretending otherwise. And it seems to me, to be no use pretending that we can’t be hurt.
All we can do is know our needs and do our best to meet them while guaring ourselves from damage. Curiously this can be difficult.
The first difficulty is knowing our needs. There are many industries devoted to ‘the independance project’ (health, insurance, finance, self-development etc). Schooling and some child-rearing encourages us to ignore our needs and obey others. Knowing our needs can take some doing – unlearning old habits and learning new ways of listening to ourselves and behaving in the world.
The second is negotiating our very complex world. Few workplaces are set up for the benefit of employees (or even customers). There are industries devoted to promoting expectations about who we should be (beauty, healthy, vocational guidance etc), none of which make it any easier to meet joyfully with others. So often we buy into a competitive way of doing things (even though we know that this doesn’t really work for the relationships we value most – usually our family and friends). Once we know our needs, there is still the difficult business of meeting them. And yet, to live a human life this is what we need to do.
If we can embrace our vulnerability we can meet others. We can be responsive and listen. We will be hospitable and find we are able to respect and welcome other’s vulnerability too. We can develop relationships where we are not always competing but where we can relax and be human together. This is the reward for embracing our vulnerability. In my experience it has been more than worthwhile.
Here are some questions to think about to help you start on to embracing your vulnerability.
Getting to know our needs.
* If your life was exactly the way you wanted it to be, what would it be like? How is this different to your life now? Which of your needs aren’t being met at the moment?
* Who do you have to guard yourself from? Is this realistic? Are there people you need to guard yourself from more than you do?
* What needs were you taught (explicitly or by example) to ignore as a child?
Meeting our needs.
* Am I willing to ask others for what I need? Am I willing to ask for some things and not others? Which things?
* What is the easiest thing I can do to have one of my needs met more satisfactorily?
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That Which Doesn’t Kill Us
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Tags: compassion, dependance, fragility, independance, needs
Evan, this is such an important post. In Western thinking, we are very focused on being (or becoming) independent. Ask most Western parents and they will tell you that their goal is to raise their children to be independent people or thinkers.
As we grow more and more aware of how interconnected we are with our environment, we have to learn how to embrace this inter-dependence. Fortunately there are several thousand years of Eastern teachings to help us with that!
Hi Maria,
Thanks. I do think the move from independance to inter-dependance is very important. And yes I do think the West has much to learn from the Eastern traditions.
Thanks for your comment.
Evan,
This is such an important post because very few of us are willing to admit that we are fragile or that we have fragile moments.
It’s seems that in our culture it’s equal to weakness.
I think that’s such a mistake because it takes courage to admit to yourself and others that you need a helping hand because you just cannot go at it alone.
Thanks for such a great post.
Miss Gisele B.
Thanks Miss Gisele,
I absolutely agree with what you say.
Thanks for commenting.