Poster: stop the violence please

Image by  Editor B

Last week I wrote a post about the sado-masochistic relationship.  I pointed out in this post that the sado-masochistic relationship was different to domesitc violence.  This left hanging the question of domestic violence, so this post is a sort of follow-on from that post.

If you have strong feeling about domestic violence then please feel free not to read any further.

First let’s clear away some myths.

Here are the results from a study of males suffering domestic violence – following up previous studies on females suffering domestic violence.  [Study by Robert J Reid and colleagues at the Group Health Center for Health Studies.]

Myth 1: Few men experience domestic violence. In-depth phone interviews with over 400 randomly sampled adult male Group Health patients surprised Dr. Reid and his colleagues: 5% had experienced domestic violence in the past year, 10% in the past five years, and 29% over their lifetimes. The researchers defined domestic violence to include nonphysical abuse–threats, chronic disparaging remarks, or controlling behavior–as well as physical abuse: slapping, hitting, kicking, or forced sex.

Myth 2: Abuse has no serious effects. The researchers found domestic violence is associated with serious, long-term effects.

Myth 3: Abused men don’t stay, because they’re free to leave. In fact, men may stay for years with their abusive partners. “We know that many women may have trouble leaving abusive relationships, especially if they’re caring for young children and not working outside the home,” said Dr. Reid. “We were surprised to find that most men in abusive relationships also stay, through multiple episodes, for years.”

Myth 4: Domestic violence affects only poor people. “This is a common problem affecting people in all walks of life,” said Dr. Reid.

Myth 5: Ignoring it will make it go away.

Which brings us to the question that people who haven’t experienced domestic violence are often puzzled by: why doesn’t s/he leave?

These answer to this question comes from my talking to and friendships with those who have suffered domestic violence.  It is just my reflection on others experience.  I don’t claim that it is comprehensive.  They are just my thoughts for what they are worth.  If you have other thoughts and insights to contribute please do so in the comments.

1. Ethical objections to leaving. 
Some people feel that it is their duty to stay in a relationship where they suffer violence.  This is easy to reject out of hand but I’m not sure we should.  Most of us don’t leave a relationship as soon as it doesn’t suit us.  How many mothers leave their children even though it means staying up nights for little reward?  I want to pay tribute to the honour and truth in this position.  Suffering can be positive.

I grew up in a tradition that values martyrdom – mainstream christianity.  This is quite a different evaluation of suffering to the “If I’m not enjoying it I’m out of here” school. 

So I understand and honour some elelments of this ethical stance.  And I think it is usually best for people to leave a situation where they are suffering violence.

Firstly about martyrdom.  The martyrs went to their deaths rejoicing.  If you can’t do this then it seems most likely that the suffering is demonic rather than a summons from the divine.  Secondly, about children.  The value of suffering for our children is in the context of the growth of a healthy person and a healthy relationship.  Usually staying in a situation of domestic violence perpetuates a very unhealthy relationship – this is a decisive difference.

2. Psychological difficulties with leaving.

This can be what is called ‘learned helplessness’.  People who are violated often are left devoid of initiative.  (The complement to this is an all-consuming and unreasoning rage, which they suppress because they feel to let it out will have devastating consequences.)

It can also be that they feel they ‘deserve’ to be treated badly.  This is often the case with abused children.  They feel that they are in some way to blame, or if they weren’t bad then the other person wouldn’t have done this to them.

This can be extreme and extraordinarily difficult to be with.  A woman therapist I knew was working with a woman in an awfully abusive relationship – she had been hospitalised many times and still wouldn’t leave.  The woman therapist said, “Look, he nearly killed you – it probably was just an accident that you weren’t killed.  What could be worse about leaving?”  Dealing with this kind of stuff is quite awful.

It is important to say that rage can be worked with in a way that is safe to all people and that doesn’t damage the furniture.  It can take time and patience and lots of support but it can be done.  It is sometimes part of self defense for women classes.

3. Nowhere to go.
Sometimes external circumstances are very difficult.  In small communities – whether geographrically like a town with a small population, or in other ways (eg religious or other groups) – there can be no external supports.  Leaving means leaving the whole social network. 

This is really a problem with the rest of us.  I’ll give an example from my own tradition – mainstream christianity.  The denominations could get together and announce that every congregation would now have people in it who would offer sanctuary to anyone suffering domestic violence (the names would be kept secret).  There could be a phone number for people to ring so that anonymity could be guarded.  They would also institute programs that worked with perpetrators.  This would involve some training and other costs.  My guess is that it could easily be funded in each country by the selling of a cathedral or large piece of land. 

Usually perpetrators do not stop their violence until someone outside the relationship becomes involved.  Usually someone with social sanction, such as the police or other officials.  Perpetrators usually don’t change until they ‘have to’ – having to because otherwise they’ll lose the relationship or end up in gaol.  This is unfortunate but it is true in most areas: we usually feel stressed and over-burdened and don’t want the hassle of changing.  It is just as true in the situation of domestic violence.  If you are in a violent relationship or know of one, it is well worth considering getting officialdom involved.

Finally, it is important to say that domestic violence can and does end.  There are relationships where the perpetrators have changed: their violence has stopped never to return.  In my experience this has always been after the person suffering the violence has left.  I have personally known relationships where this has happened.

I’ve written this with much nervousness.  Writing about this in cold type means it can feel cold and like the suffering is being trivialised.  I hope this doesn’t read this way.  I decided to take the risk because it is a topic that needs dealing with.

Please feel free to leave any and all comments in the comments section after the end of this post.

2 Comments to “Domestic Violence: considering leaving”

  1. Barbara says:

    Hi Evan,

    What I’ve found is coming to awareness and then coming to terms with domestic violence are two very different things.

    In general, domestic violence is most often apparent to the person being abused and maybe even others observing the situation. You gave some very good explanations of the rationalizations that occur. There is no doubt a paralyzed state also occurs. As a result, accepting the abusive treatment rather than seeking help/freedom seems to make more sense.

    It is difficult to come to terms that leaving is most often the only answer. When even you, in a recent post, said a technique that might be used when facing a dilemma is to put the idea in your mind there are probably six ways to look at a situation. It is difficult to accept the ‘problem’ called abuse, usually at the hands of someone you love, has only one view.

    Of course, the reason I’ve had this question and answer repeat over and over is the reality of finding myself in just such a situation.

  2. Evan says:

    Hi Barbara,

    Thanks for commenting.

    Another way to think about it is that there may be different options about leaving: mostly how and how much contact is maintained.

    I want to thank you for your courage in commenting. These are enormously difficult things to deal with.

    Sending you all my loving thoughts.


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