Doing Unto Others

Why do we do to others what we didn’t like done to us?
One of the curious parts of our human experience is that we pass on the bad stuff. Sometimes we even realise we are doing it. And it isn’t uncommon.

Those who have had abused childhoods can still abuse their children. Those who have known alcoholics and seen the damage that alcoholism can do can still become alcoholics. These things are commonly seen. Sometimes when we have suffered trauma we vow to not do it to anyone – and yet we do.

This is enough to challenge any simple minded notions that we just have to choose what we want to do and then set about doing it. Sometimes our behaviour is a puzzle even to us. (I do think we can know the reasons – it just takes a bit of digging: which is what this post is about.)

So why do we do unto others what we didn’t like being done unto us?
There is vengefulness. We want to get back at the person who hurt us: and we do it in the same way. But this only explains doing bad to the person who did it to us; not why we pass it on to others.

There is also the reason that we learn from those around us. We copy care givers and authority figures. We usually have developed ideas about what a real adult (a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman’) is, based on our childhood experiences. These ideas are often still mixed up with childhood expectations, and so may not be realistic.

We may not like people who are [like that] but we feel that it is right. We may not like it; but that’s just the way [insert group] are.

The Reward
Behaving in the way we didn’t like does have a reward.

It may be a kind of displaced vengeance – I had to do it the hard way, so I’m going to make sure that they have to suffer too! Try saying, “Life’s tough!” with a tone of rugged absoluteness, there is satisfaction in there.

It may also be that it ‘makes sense’. Try saying, “It’s just the way life is”. There are many ways this can be said – with resigned satisfaction, uncompromisingly, aggressively and so on. They all contain some sense of satisfaction. It ‘feels good’ when our expectations are met and ideas confirmed, sometimes even when the expectations and ideas are unpleasant ones.

What to do?
If you really don’t want to pass on what was done to you, there are some things to try. (My advice is to start with the small and easy and not try anything that makes you nervous unless you have good support to call on.)

• Find what is satisfying in this behaviour (what’s the reward?).

Make a list of other ways to get this satisfaction.
Choose the simplest and easiest to do first.
You can then move on to the next simplest and easiest of getting the reward if you need to.

• Getting a friendly divorce from your care giver or authority figure.

We learn from others and this is how we got where we are. So, we can thank them and tell them that from now on we are going to do things differently (a little or a lot).

• Getting help.

From reading book or blogs, from friends or professionals. We are social beings and we rely on others.
My values say that it is OK to ask for help. It helped me to feel OK about asking for help when I realised that I like to be asked to help. So others probably will be happy I asked too! It has been my experience that usually people are happy to help, they like to be asked.

Not always – people are sometimes busy. And asking for help as a way of avoiding what I can do won’t be terribly welcome. But most of the time people are ready and willing to offer what assistance they can in my experience.

Have you battled with not passing on what was done to you? How did you do this? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.

If you liked this post you might also like,
How to Divorce Your Parents
How to Update Your Past

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Tags: change, the past, trauma