Respect – the secret to a long and happy relationship?

Image by Milena Mihaylova

Respect is an element of all the happy and long lasting relationships that I can think of. This applies to marriages, working collaborations, and friendships. I can’t think of any exceptions.

There are some surprising things that don’t seem to contribute to long and happy relationships too. First among these is falling in love. Despite the Hollywood ideal – in love seems to not lead to happily-ever-after. The in love experience (as delightful as it is) seems rarely to last. After it has faded the work starts. It can be worthwhile and enjoyable work, but work none the less.

I think I was surprised that I find respect so important because it feels cold. It’s certainly much cooler than the in-love experience.

I think there are lots of other things that help. Good communication – some kind of ‘common language’ – so that the people know what the others are thinking and feeling can be a huge help. This can be the every day language (expressing thoughts and feelings) or even quite private: couples and friendship groups sometimes develop their own pet terms and codes that are meaningful to them and no one else. But in some long and happy marriages the people seem to be happy to accept that they don’t understand the other person and never will.

Affection and liking each other makes it easier too. It is much easier to put in the work of building the relationship when you like the other person or people involved. But in cultures where there are arranged marriages the affection and liking is worked for. And the marriages in these cultures don’t seem unhappier or briefer than those in those cultures that don’t have arranged marriages.

If respect is important; how do we develop it?
* The key I think is working to understand how the other person sees the world. By this I don’t mean in an analytical and academic way, but having an understanding of how they feel as well as how they think. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree. But if the other person knows that they are understood this is usually a good basis for a solid relationship.

* I have found (often much to my embarrassment) that it is worth checking that you understand. This is easily done: “So, what you’re saying is . . .”, “You feel that . . . “, “The way you see it is . . . “. These are simple things – I have found that remembering to use them saves much confusion, time and occasionally bad feelings.

Do you think there are other things necessary for a long and happy relationship? Do you think I have over-emphasised respect, or that it may not be necessary at all? I’d love to hear what you think has contributed to the long and happy relationships you have had.

Another post you may be interested in.
A formula for good relationships

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