I think I’m reading this article for the first time. I thought I had back read all your articles, but I guess not. Or maybe I just couldn’t hear this until the situation appeared in my life once again. Living it over the last several weeks, including yesterday.

I did think I had the destroyer under some sort of conscious control, only to find what I can now only describe as delusion, reappearance or yet another underneath layer I had no consciousness about. Not really clear on which yet or maybe all of those things.

Very timely post, which I’m presuming is not only necessary for me but also synchroncity at work. Thanks, as hard as that is to say, probably as hard as this time period and knowledge is to deal with.

PS The words I’ve been using instead of cruelty are hostile and sadistic.

I think what happens is that these comments are moments of real contact that break out of the usual habits. They feel good because they deliver real contact. The only problem comes to my way of thinking when they are the only (or main) way of making real contact.

Evan

I think I’m getting the photos figured out, thanks.

Yes, I’d avoid the word cruelty but I’m not sure what the right word is.

I avoid telling adults what is right and wrong in the bedroom (so long as consent is mutual)but do have concerns. I prefer to set out what I regard as desirable and ask people if they want to move toward this.

One difference between ‘rougher play’ and cruelty is that the intention is for the partners pleasure. So, if the intention is for the lover’s pleasure a refusal won’t offend. If the refusal does offend there is room for exploring why I want to hurt the one I love – what are the buried resentments and so on.

With role playing and such things. What we long for is genuine encounter in a safe environment (as a therapist called Alexander Lowen said: contact while remaining intact). The role playing and such are I think usually safe ways to try out different ways of bringing different parts of ourselves and new behaviour into our relationship. The goal as I see it is to bring these into our relationship and lives more generally. If people get stuck in roles and games the question is: what are they afraid of? We may decide not to confront our fears of course (after all why should we if we don’t want to?). We may find that as we bring in more parts of ourselves to our relationships that they deepen and are more mutually satisfying.

Thanks for your comments. They are certainly getting me thinking. I hope my response makes sense.