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Last week I did this post on perfectionism. I was happy with it – I thought it was a worthwhile topic and the writing of it flowed. It was only after a few hours that I realised I had committed one of the cardinal sins of a blogger – ignoring the question, “So what?”.
So this post is to make up for my oversight.
Let’s start by examining the drive behind and satisfaction we get from perfectionism. I think the drive is for more – and this implies that what we have is somehow not good enough. Perfectionism is unthinkable without a foundation of dissatisfaction.
The satisfaction we get from perfectionism is trickier I think. The satisfaction must be a kind of dissatisfaction (in the grip of perfectionism we rarely rest content). The polarity to perfectionism is sloth – mindless, bovine contentment. In this way dissatisfaction becomes seen as a virtue: “I’m not wasting my life just watching TV, I’m working on myself, I’m achieving my goals . . . and so on.” (All of these could be fine and noble things to do so far as I’m concerned.) In this way I think we embrace discontent as our satisfaction.
How can we deal with this? I think by listening to both sides of the story (both ends of the polarity). When we listen to the perfectionistic and slothful sides of ourselves I think we learn things like: striving can feel good and so can total relaxation; aspiration may lead to our fulfilment, so does simply being with what is.
I think both sides of the story, both ends of the polarity have got it wrong. I think the idea that we need to be driven to become more truly ourselves is wrong and that without pushing ourselves we will revert to a bovine numbness is just as mistaken. And the polarity is self-reinforcing – our perfectionism exhausts us and we do feel like doing nothing forever, we feel such torpor that we require a huge push and ceaseless vigilance to get us moving – and keep us moving (and striving, always striving, ceaselessly).
I think when we are rested (and it may take us a while if we have exhausted ourselves by years of effort) then we enjoy working at something that is fun or important to us. With the stuff we love to do we often put in great effort.
Dealing with perfectionism means dealing with our dissatisfaction. Our particular dissatisfaction will be different for all of us. But it seems to me that it will be there somewhere. The trick is to find it. It may be that we can remember people saying particular things to us: criticisms of our performance, appearance, or even of our existence. We need to find a way to answer back and give comfort to the child inside us so that they are no longer buying into these messages. This could mean learning something (how to do something, deciding how you want to dress) or getting support from friends (people who like you for who you are) or working with a counsellor to help you through this whole process.
It’s trickier when we can’t remember anything being said. In this case it feels more like “it’s just me”. I made up my mind for some reason that I needed to be perfect. This is harder because it doesn’t feel like there is someone ‘out there’ to fight or rebel against. One way to get a handle on this is to describe the situation you grew up in. Then ask why a child in that situation would need to decide to be perfect. Usually this leads to a pretty clear answer. The next step is to get this reward without being perfect. Things like: feeling good about how you dress, being happy with being good enough (and being able to say how much is enough), or just being content with this here and now precious moment. Whatever it is for you: get the stuff in another way that is being kind to yourself, without the need for perfection.
I hope this gives you some useful guidelines on how to deal with perfectionism. If this is an issue you have dealt with I’d love to hear how you did it. Let me know in the comments to this post.
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Tags: perfectionism, polarities, satisfaction, striving
Evan, you’re right indeed. This statement really inspired me…
“Dealing with perfectionism means dealing with our dissatisfaction.”
I guess it’s really one of the trap of learning that happened to myself for many times as well. I’m feeling good when I am learning or doing something in the progress. Sometimes what we have to do is just “enjoying where we are at in the journey where we are going to be.”
That’s a statement quoted from Joyce Meyer from his program, enjoying everyday lives.
Thanks for the message Evan..
Robert
Hi Robert,
I like the Joyce Meyer quote.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
No long comment, Evan, just that this perfectionism thing hit a hot, hot button that I was only vaguely aware. Sure, I was aware I was/am a perfectionist, but that was about it. There are things I’d consider ‘worse’ if they were part of my list. But even as I read how to deal with perfectionism, I was pushed to edges I’d rather not be!
Sure indication of another good post when you reach that far in.
Thank you
LOL, i guess I made a grammar mistake again =) Joyce Meyer is “her” not “his”… even though her hairstyle looks like man… =D
anyway… imperfect comment for the article on imperfection… isn’t it matching =)
You’re welcome Evan!
Hi Barbara,
I’m glad you found the post touching. It can be a little scary. I know that I’m touching on sensitive issues and try to always be aware of this. I try to be respectful. I hope I manage it (most of the time anyway).
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Perfectionism is a big problem for most of us at various times, I think. I wonder if it’s just a mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt, or humiliated in many cases?
[...] An article from Evan Hadkins, How to Deal with Your Perfectionism. One statement from the article, “Dealing with perfectionism means dealing with our [...]
Hi Maria,
I’m sure we get in to perfectionism because it feels good or right to us in some way. Perhaps it’s if I’m perfect I’ll be safe or approved or get what I want.
If you have any more thoughts on this I’d like to hear.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Hi Robert,
Thanks for the link.
A perfectionist for some people are only just one of the things that leads to good leadership but along with that personality and humor blends with a good open minded person. I currently work with children for 26 years and there is one simple thing I have learned which took me 12 years to understand. It’s not what you say to the children that matters or to your fellow co-workers, but it’s what you make of who you are by demonstration and honest leadership that will take a fair balance in your work life. A phrase I use most common when need to be said. There are three types of people in this world.
Those that watch things happend
Those that make things happend and
Those that wondered what happened
Which one are you???????????? And leave that statement alone. You will be surprised of that feed back from your friends but it somehow sends a strong message that we all must think carefully what we say about others and learn the simple way of suvival ship in any relationship. RESPECT
Cathymarie
I’m an emotional mess at the moment.
Have $92,000 in a carried over loss from a business I no longer want to do.
I don’t know how to move forward.
Have to make a decision. It’s been hanging around a long time, been putting it off. Going broke. Don’t know what to do. I feel inadequate. Unconsciously wanting other people to make the decision for me. My life is a mess.
Reading over my entry now and it sounds dramatic however it’s true. It’s also true that there are wonderful things in my life however clearly there is major dissatisfaction with my working life and my ability to provide for myself. Perfectionism has me by the tits. A kind of lock jaw. Been functioning on should for a long time. Could use some more faith in myself. Curiously the inner directive that I MUST do certain things is derailing me. Hopefully the world will appear brighter in the morning. Feels like I have something inside that feels I have to live up to something – an impossible task. Unreachable. Alongside that is low self esteem and low self worth. How to get out of that prison? Pamela
Hi Pamela, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stuff. From what you say in this comment it sounds like the “something inside that feels I have to live up to something” is the core issue for you.
These kinds of feelings usually come from our childhood. Usually the living up to something is to get something. It may be that this something was possible to get (rewards for behaviour etc) or impossible to get (approval from a parent who wouldn’t approve of us). It is also possible sometimes to get for ourselves (from ourselves or others) what we wanted then (affection, specific instruction, nice hugs etc); but sometimes it is impossible and we need to grieve/rant/rage etc.
I hope these generalities offer some ideas for ways out or at least stimulate some thoughts for you. Please let me know if you would like to. Wishing all the love that can’t be through the ether. Evan
Thank you Evan.
Please elaborate on your second paragraph …
It may be that this something was possible to get (rewards for behaviour etc) or impossible to get (approval from a parent who wouldn’t approve of us). It is also possible sometimes to get for ourselves (from ourselves or others) what we wanted then (affection, specific instruction, nice hugs etc); but sometimes it is impossible and we need to grieve/rant/rage etc.
Possible to get …… money
Impossible to get …. verbal acknowledgement, verbal affection. attention
Are you saying that I can learn to give myself – verbal acknowledgement, verbal affection. attention?
Of course I can make my own money – however I’ve created a significant financial loss – would suggest that some sort of virulently negative belief and self-sabotage is at play. How to get beyond that? Feel like a labyrinth.
You didn’t finish your sentence. Please let me know if you would like to
Pamela
Hi Pamela,
Yes I am saying that you can learn to give yourself these things – and others too. Because I don’t know you I can’t really give specifics. Finding that we wanted is/was impossible can bring different reactions, I didn’t want to say what yours would/should be, so left the sentence unfinished.
If you feel there is sabotage present, then there is a reason for it. Some part of you doesn’t want something (financial success?). In relation to money: from doing an exercise suggested by Albert the UrbanMonk I discovered a belief that if I became wealthy I would be all alone. As soon as I saw this consciously I realised it was wrong – my friends are much better than this. It may be that the sabotage is keeping you from working too hard or something else. “Love your disease, it’s keeping you healthy” probably isn’t the whole story, but does have its element of truth.
I think the way to get beyond the sabotage is to get to know it. Most problem behaviour has a healthy motivation – just an unhelpful expression – in my experience.
Hope this makes sense. Please feel free to comment further.
Thank you Evan.
Plenty there for me to consider and work with.
Pamela.
Hope it helps. Evan