Whaling Protest

 Image by mym

There are two ways that the word ‘responsibility’ is used.  Responsibility can be used to mean blame or it can be used to mean response-ability.

“The use of ‘responsibility’ in the sense of blame is in statements like: “I want to know who is responsible for this”.  (This isn’t usually asked about an outstanding success.)

Blame can be tricky.  For example, if I am having a difficulty in my marriage, and me and everyone else (even those who don’t like me) sees it as my partners fault: how far does this get me?  I can perhaps feel good that it is ‘all their fault’.  But then the question is: so what?  Quickly followed by: so what am I going to do about it?

Usually the situation is not nearly this clear cut.  So we end up with its 60% or 90% my fault or their fault.  This doesn’t help us move forward or point to a path ahead.

When we feel like blaming it may be useful to voice it and this may be useful to clear the air.  This may be better done by talking with someone not directly involved.  The clearing the air can help us zero in on areas that need addressing, what specifically is so upsetting to us.  So if we can talk about it and reflect the blaming can help us get clarity (so long as it isn’t just a tirade - whose value is to help us calm down).

This leads us to the second sense of responsibility - responsibility being the ability to respond.  If I can’t do anything to affect the situation then it is not myresponsibility.  I may still care deeply but it is not something I can respond to (at the moment).

This can lead to a callous indifference - “not my problem” can rapidly come to include any distressing situation.  And trying to be responsible for what we can do nothing about may well lead us to immobilising despair.  To think that “I’ve got to do something” about all the problems of the world is a horrible place to be.

I have three ideas about how to negotiate this difficult terrain.

1. It’s helpful to take an experimental attitude.  There are some things that are very unlikely to work.  But then, if we don’t want to waste our time with these, there are other options that probably come under the heading of “It’s Worth Giving It A Shot”.  It can be worth remembering that we may not understand well what is going on and we can spend a little time learning more.  Opportunities for responding may open up as we understand the situation better.

2. Small can be valuable.  There is the often quoted parable of the thousands of starfish stranded on a beach.  A passerby sees a lone individual throwing back into the ocean one starfish at a time.  The passerby says, “You’re not making a difference you know.”  And the lone individual replies, “It makes a difference to this one.”  This may sound hokey, I also think that it is profoundly true.  If we can only respond in a small way, this too can be valuable.

3. We can have compassion for ourselves as well as others.  If we wish to be martyrs then this needs to be a free choice embraced with joy.  When I feel like a martyr it is usually because I am being unkind to myself and not doing what I love.  It is usually just being unkind to myself, a strange kind of self-pre-occupation, and not sacrificing for a greater truth or cause.  Compassion for others is invaluable, as is compassion for ourselves.  Fantasies of omnipotence help neither ourselves nor others.  Exhausting ourselves so that we can no longer do worthwhile work is rarely the best option (it is idealists who burn out - the need may be endless but we are not).  Our responses need to take into account our limitations and vulnerabilities as well as our strengths and resources.