Staying Angry

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Recently I wrote this post about using the energy of anger to change. This lead to an email which was very forthright and which I’ve got permission to quote from. This reader said that:

“. . . the reference you made to the continued or ongoing use of anger leads to bitterness, that’s what hit me. I have all that bitterness from so much stored, reused, over and over anger. And the realization that no matter what I have done, how many things I have tried to change, I created this atmosphere of bitter and quite likely that is where I’ll remain. I don’t use the anger as catalyst. I can no longer seem to convert anger to repair, if I ever did that. Actually, I can’t remember when it was effective fuel. I use the bitterness instead. So the catch-22 of why, no matter what I have tried, I seem to end up right here. With not only the anger but the bitterness, including the bitterness for having the anger. And I see myself resign, realize that is the way it is. That is what stops me.”

This got me thinking about anger over the long-term (and also about rage and anger, which may be the subject of the post after this).

For a number of people there is awful abuse in their past. And this has affected their life in bad ways for years. And why shouldn’t they be angry about what happened to them? It was other people’s awfulness and nothing to do with them. Other people, who should have loved and cared for them, were cruel and hateful instead.

This is very different to us not doing well at a job interview or someone insulting us. Anger about major trauma means responding differently to the anger I think. There are at least two differences I think

1. I think it will last longer. The acknowledgement and expression of anger for abuse by those who should have loved is very difficult. The emotions become very mixed and confused. Sorting them out can take lots of work, support and persistence before we gain clarity. And feeling good about expressing the anger is another step again. This process can take years, sometimes decades.
2. It can involve major life changes. Being angry that someone was unkind to us can leave us much the same. Dealing with past trauma often means changing how we feel about ourselves at the core of who we are, how we relate to others, and much more besides.

Anger seems to work best in the short term. But what if we are in an awful situation? Perhaps we need to stay angry if the situation we are in keeps violating us. But how can we stop this anger poisoning us?

I want to try and say something useful about this. I’m afraid that whatever I say will sound glib. If I do sound glib I hope you will forgive me and that the ideas I have will be some use. So here are some ideas I have about anger over the long-term and not allowing it to poison us.

• 1. Focusing the anger on the other(s) who violated you. Finding the support to express the anger at the others – not focusing it on yourself and believing that you were bad or in some other way were to blame. Expressing the anger is one way that can help us get to these moments of clarity. If you can, find people who will help you remember this – whether through organised groups, professionals or just from friends.
• 2. It can be useful to have set times when we express our anger. This will help ensure that we do it (and it is usually important that we do). How much time and how often will vary from person to person. The important consideration is to have had long enough to feel the anger and perhaps express some of it and then to stop doing this. When we can do this regularly we learn that we control our anger and our anger does not control us. Especially for those who remember being abused by those who were angry and out of control it is very important to know that it is possible to control anger.
• 3. It can be useful to have markers for ourselves – some signs that show us we are getting somewhere. This can mean body cues (our shoulders are less tight, we don’t get so many of those stomach pains), or that we express our anger about a particular issue or topic (or at a particular person), or that we find we are able to feel our anger in a shorter period of time, or that we feel better and better after expressing our anger (you could set up a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 meaning elated, 5 meaning OK and 10 meaning awful; how you do it doesn’t matter much). Anger can feel overwhelming and that we will never be finished with it. When this happens it is hard to believe that it is worth the bother. Setting up markers is a way of knowing that we are getting through it.

I find writing about this kind of topic in just a short space like this worrying. I’m afraid that whatever I say will be seen as trivialising the pain and difficulty involved. I hope what I have written doesn’t read this way. I decided to write about it because otherwise I would feel that I was avoiding a difficult and important subject. I hope that what I have written is useful. Any comments at all are very welcome. If you are angry that is fine to – though I may edit out swearing and ask you to avoid attributing motive if you can. I will do my best to respond well to any and all comments left.

You may be interested in other posts I have done on anger.

Doing Anger Well

Anger is Good

and this one which is not specifically about anger

How to Update Your Past

I have a course called, “Designing a Long and Healthy Life“. It is a course that guides you through developing a healthy lifestyle in all aspects of your life (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social) in a way that works for you rather than telling you what you should do. Sign up now by leaving a comment on this post. You can learn more about it from my Newsletter page. It is 12 emails delivered over six weeks. This is then followed by a weekly newsletter that is designed to help you develop your self-awareness and improve your relationships with others.

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Tags: anger, bitterness