Image by Jean
If we have been alive for terribly long we probably have regrets. Let’s start by looking at what regret is.
What is regret?
It seems to me that it is a sense of falling short in some way. We have a sense that we should have done something and didn’t do it, or did something that we know we shouldn’t have. It seems to me that this is different to perfectionism. Perfectionism has this sense of falling short but the standards are usually ridiculously high and unachievable. With regret there can be a sense that it was possible – we had done what we should have done before (or stopped ourselves doing what we did). The keenest regret is when we know we could have done differently.
Is it useless?
Regret is for something in the past (immediately or a long time ago). Sometimes we regret saying something as soon as we’ve said it. Sometimes the regret stays with us for years.
The past is gone and is unchangeable so does this mean regret is useless? Should we eliminate regret from our lives? Should we just, “Get over it”, and, “Move on”? My answer to this is the annoying one of, “Yes, but . . . “
It is certainly true that we cannot change the past, which is the “yes” part of the answer. The “but” part is how we do this. I think following the advice to, “Just, get over it” can mean being harsh to ourselves, and perhaps to others. Just, “moving on” can mean ignoring our feelings, either ignoring them or (at the extreme) punishing ourselves for having them. This is unlikely to help our awareness of ourselves or increase our compassion for others.
Embracing Our Regrets
If instead of rejecting our regret we can listen to it I think we will benefit. I think both our self-awareness and relationships will benefit. Regret, if we listen to it, can teach us much about our vulnerabilities and weaknesses.
If we understand what lead us to doing what we didn’t want to do, or not doing what we felt we should, then we have gained some self-knowledge. We can, depending on what it is, either develop a strength or perhaps modify our life to take account of our weakness.
If we take up a sport we may well have regrets about not warming up enough the day after playing. This can be a good motivation for changing our behaviour before the next game. Or we may discover that we aren’t as young as we once were and can’t do what we did twenty years ago. (This is potentially life saving: those who were athletes in their youth and take up training again in middle age, having done nothing for a decade or two, can end up having heart attacks. They go back to training at the level they used to.)
In our relationships an unmet need for closeness may lead to us rushing into an inappropriate friendship, or our fear of being hurt again may lead us to avoid friendship altogether. In either case (needing closeness or fearing it) dealing with our vulnerability will probably be beneficial to ourselves and our relationships. We may find that we are simply not cut out for being a gung-ho style leader (and need to change our job) or that being second-in-command is just frustrating and we need to run our own show.
How do you find regrets in your own life? Uncomfortable as they are, do we think we are a better person because of them? Or have you found them to just get in the way of your growth? I would like to hear your experience, so leave a comment in the box at the bottom of this post.
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Tags: Regret, the past, the past can be a problem, the past can be valuable
Hi Evan – I think we need to acknowledge our feelings (including regret) and move through them, rather than avoid them. I think we have a sense of whether we are wallowing in these sorts of feelings or using them to grow and let go, if we are honest with ourselves.
Hi Robin,
I think you’re right.
Thanks for your comment.
Gym Class Heroes Muscle Boys Muscle Girls…
I didn’t agree with you first, but last paragraph makes sense for me…
Thank you Evan. I agree with you 100% but why are people more and more saying to never regret? I believe having regret is a good thing if you learn from them and move forward. So, if I mention that I regret something, people will say to never regret. Well, a regret is a mistake you feel you made and not admitting to a mistake is a bit arrogant in my opinion. How one reacts to a regret is not in the definition of the word. So many people think that having regret is pessimistic. Someone like George W. Bush should not have any regret? Strange culture we have!
Hi Ash,
Yes it’s a very strange culture that we have. I guess people don’t like regret because it can be painful. In the case of George and other politicians, I guess they never like to admit that they might be wrong.
Thanks for your comment.