How to Feel at Home in Our Own Skins

It’s taken me a long time to feel at home in my own skin. (Even now I may not be the whole way there. I sometimes ignore the feeling that I’ve had enough to eat for instance.)

The story about me getting comfortable in my own skin is entwined with my experience of Evangelical Christianity.
[For any theologians out there J Pedersen Israel Its Life and Culture Bk.1 The Soul and Its Powers shows convincingly that the OT conception of the individual is unitary – and that the physical is a part of this unity. This book liberated me from the Evangelical prejudice against physicality: it doesn’t make much sense for a faith based on an incarnation to be hostile to the body!]
My image for this relationship is of the body as the shadow: lurking nearby, waiting to ‘make us do what we don’t want to do’.

A little bit of history
Christianity is one stream that pervades Western culture. The other is Classical culture (ancient Greece and Rome). Classical culture displayed certain kinds of bodies – those with good muscular development, athleticism in men and fertility in women. The statues that incarnated these ideals are still extraordinary works of art. It is from the classical tradition we have inherited asceticism – the stoic notion of triumphing over the body (disciplining it – a kind of “moral athleticism”). Ascetics and athletes both devote much time and effort to disciplining the body – using it to their (very different) ends.

This is a long story with big themes (the changing notions of beauty – from the classical ideal of faultless perfection to romantic delight in the individual; the effect that different media have on perception (flat screens lead to different ideas of beauty than 3D representations like sculpture as do various kinds of paint (water or oil-based)); the influence of class; and much else besides); more than can be covered in this post.

What I want to highlight in this post is that Western cultures have inherited a split attitude to the body – and it is still with us. Ads extol the delights of ice-cream, how good it tastes in our mouths; and we talk about the latest diet. We admire a life of leisure; and athletes. We crave relaxation; and take pain killers so we can persevere with unpleasant work. We want students who are lively and curious; and reward them for sitting still and doing as their told.

I don’t want to say that this attitude is only a philosophical error (which I think it is) but that it is a part of our experience. (Or, better put, a partial view of our experience.) A couple of examples that I hope will make the point. I am quite clumsy and slow to learn physical things. If I try to learn a dance step then “I” want to move in a certain way, but my body won’t co-operate. I need to exercise discipline to learn the new step. When I was learning to swim I needed to learn to shape my hands into scoops and not “slap the water” which is what I was doing (and getting nowhere slowly). In these situations I experience an “I” different to my “body”. “I” want to do something but “my body” won’t co-operate!

Our Attitude to Our Body
This experience is where I have an attitude to my body (and often enough others’ bodies too). Some kind of evaluation is applied.

Perhaps the most common social system for evaluating our body is beauty. In my experience this evaluation is applied most harshly by those of our own sex: men are most dismissive of ‘weakness’ or ‘weakling’s’ (women more often appreciate sensitivity); women often judge other women’s stylishness or appearance most harshly (men take more account of how women respond to them).

Those who apply these judgements to others usually apply them to themselves also (they are by no means hypocrites). In my experience they apply an even harsher standard of judgement to themselves.

Is this a problem?
I think this is a problem because:
• It deadens us to our experience. Following the rules of the latest diet keeps us from knowing our own body – its desires, satisfactions and rhythms.
And so robs us of vitality.
• It simply doesn’t work. The unbelievable variety of diet books shows this clearly. We keep judging and disciplining ourselves – and we still need to do it!
• It is based on a mistaken idea: that I am not my body. Damage to even a small part of our brain can have a large impact on our experience. (This is different to saying that I am only my body. Another mistake in my view.)
• It is based on a partial observation. We ‘forget’ that when “I” am disciplining “my body” that this too is a bodily experience – my breath, muscular tension and so on are involved.
• It leads to much misery. (This is the biggest problem in my view.) Many billions of dollars are spent by people because some part of them is less than ideal. There are massive industries dedicated to satisfying (and reinforcing) this attempt to become ideal.

Any attempt for most people to become exceptional is doomed to failure (unless the attempt is to be uniquely ourselves: not usually an option considered by cosmetics companies). The exceptionally beautiful/strong/intelligent/agile is exceptional compared to others. If everyone becomes more beautiful/strong/intelligent/agile this doesn’t that everyone becomes exceptional: the term is comparative.

What to do?
These are some ideas I have. They have worked for me and others, I hope they will work for you. If not, I hope they will at least stimulate some thinking for you.
1. Confronting our (inner) critics.
We often have voices in our heads judging and evaluating us. As we get to know them we often find that they care for us – but just express this in harmful ways. They may be happy to judge us less harshly if they know we will be OK/safe. [Sometimes the voices are not parts of ourselves or want to annihilate us: in this case much skilful support (from friends or therapists) is probably needed.]
Getting to know our critic and the criticised, can lead to compromises and integration. The energy that has gone into the fight – which can be an enormous amount – is then freed for other things. It is useful to have an idea of what you want these other things to be – otherwise with “nothing better to do” we may return to the fighting.

2. Getting to know our own rhythms
In my experience I am most productive when content. Forcing and disciplining myself are best kept for emergencies – if I have to force myself to complete a task then my attention is split between the task and my need to force myself (less attention goes to the task and so it will probably be done less well than it could be).

3. Enjoying ourselves
Slowly we can come to understand what we enjoy. We may not know – perhaps because we have been told that we shouldn’t, perhaps because we haven’t had the opportunity to try things out. (In my family we had a healthy but fairly limited range of foods. I was in my 20’s when I tasted my first olive: it can take a while to get used to something new and find out whether we like it or not.)

We can, in small and easy steps come to know and enjoy each part of our body.

We can gradually live our way into a life where we are comfortable in our own skins.

For me this has been a long journey – and I had a relatively easy upbringing. For those with a more traumatic upbringing it may be more difficult yet. Whatever the case I’d like to hear about how you relate to ‘your body’. Perhaps it has always been easy for you or perhaps a long and winding road on which you have learned much. I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.

---

Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?

The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Tags: our body, physicality, pleasure