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This post was prompted by the comments on my post, T.I.N.A. is dumb. This post said that to think there is only one option is usually silly – that there are usually lots of options. I thought this was good news. Those who commented pointed out that it can be bad news too: we can have too many choices. There may even seem to be an infinite variety of choices and we can be paralysed by our consciousness of all the choices before us: this is a long way from good news.
So here are some thoughts on putting choosing in its place.
1. What if we don’t choose: or, Would it matter?
People like me can get tunnel visioned quite quickly. If we don’t choose one way or the other it is unlikely that:
- the world will end
- others or myself will die
- that my or my loved ones’ future will be irrevocably altered.
Consider not bothering – if we do this we should at least get a chance to step back and put things in perspective.
“(Usually) It’s no big deal.”
2. Being playful: or, Perhaps we don’t have to be so serious.
Making our choices can be very analytical and rational. This isn’t bad, who’d want to not use their brain?, but it can help to break out and get a fresh perspective. So it’s OK to have fun.
This can include things like visualisation exercises such as imagining your perfect day, week, month or year. It could mean using a metaphor for your choices – a series of doors to be opened, a building to be built or an art work to be created. You could see it as a jig-saw puzzle or a game.
You can play around with different options and imagine scenarios as ridiculous as you like. At the least this should provide a burst of freshness if (like me) you can get obsessive about these things. It may also stimulate new thinking and provide surprises that are well worth reflecting on.
“If it’s fun you don’t have to be disciplined.”
3. Combining and synthesising: or, We may be able to meet several needs at once.
Sometimes the choice may be a false one. We don’t have to choose between good friendships and worthwhile work. Though it may take much experimentation. We don’t have to choose between vulnerability and strength. Though it may mean some personal reflection and the trying out of new behaviour. It’s almost always worth spending a moment looking for a win-win scenario (whether for ourselves or others).
“If you are caught on the horns of a dilemma, be sure there’s not bull in between.”
4. Knowing ourselves: or, It’s mostly about priorities.
Once we are clear about our talents, preferences, skills, weaknesses and so on we can discard many an option. There are a million careers I have never bothered to check out – such as any that require the slightest manual dexterity. (Whatever the equivalent term to illiteracy is for manual dexterity – and I consider it says much about our education system that this word, if it exists, is not common – this describes me.)
Once we have an idea about who we are and what direction we want to head in then the number of choices are greatly reduced. And their importance goes down as well – as long as the choice is in accord with our priorities and direction then it may not matter too much which choice we make.
“As long as we get there in a way we like it may not matter if we take a little longer.”
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Hi Evan,
I had some immediate strong reactions to some things in this article. For the moment, I’m going to skip those and comment on other aspects.
I agree with the ideas in point #2 about not being so serious, finding other ways to get to a decision. Very effective in most cases because the investment is light-hearted.
Apple and orange choices you refer to in point #3 also makes good sense. One does not preclude the other. And win-win is a good ideal to stick to, I’m a big fairness advocate.
Point #1. The only thing that disturbs me here is not bothering. You are correct about no major catastrophe being a consequence of most every decision. But the notion of being swept along to a come what may situation because I didn’t choose, which I have done, is not always appropriate. I’m not sure how or where to draw the line here, but I think there needs to be one. I think it is a bit less universal, dependent on degree of importance.
Point #4 The biggest factor here is a condition. Knowing oneself. So long as you are clear about yourself, everything you said is applicable. The question then is how many people do you think are at that point in their lives, then able to cut through the many choices, and only choose from the best for them? I think simplicity doesn’t come until you are firmly at that point.
Good post,
Barbara
Thanks Barbara,
As always I find your comments astute and thought provoking.
Point 4. How many people know themselves well? My guess is we know ourselves to differing degrees about different things. As you say the big thing here is the condition.
Point 1. I don’t think it matters if we go with the flow if what we are deciding about isn’t important anyway. This is just my (perhaps too easy-going) approach. As you say it is all about degree of importance. This was the point I was attempting to make, but apparently didn’t put clearly enough. Perhaps I should have emphasised more that not choosing can also have consequences.
Once again thankyou for taking the time and effort to comment.
evan and barbara – Theodore Reik wrote about once going for a walk with Freud. The young Reik spoke of his dilemma. How was he going to proceed with his life – study medicine or psychology? Freud said, when it comes to very large matters – choosing a life partner or a career – one has to go with one’s heart; lists of pros and cons don’t work in these instances.
This is sage advice, I think. It would be interesting to hear from you guys how specifically one might find out what one’s heart desires.
Evan,
I think Dr Steve has whittled down what I was thinking.
So Dr Steve, this is my point. Evan said if we are clear about our talents, preferences, weaknesses, etc., then choosing is narrowed aka made easier. All true. But it is assumed you have reached a lot of clarity in those areas. Which isn’t always true and can be attributed to an infinite number of circumstances.
Knowing oneself is the goal in life, which I equate with being able to let your heart decide. Yet, not everyone gets there in the “necessary” time and may be confronted with major life choices in the interim. Therefore, one can conclude if you don’t know your own self, your own heart, you cannot choose from there. The sometimes unfortunate alternative leaves the pros, cons, the not bothering, the paralysis, the struggle to pick something and then somehow figure out how to live with that choice or default or go through the process all over again and again. Which hopefully aids the initial goal for the next time.
So I guess my answer to the how, is first things first and learn to intermix what you’ve gained, so far, of your self knowledge with your decisions.
And of course all of this reflects personal experience and indicates a ways to go in my self knowing…
I think Barbara’s point is a good one.
I plan a post on the topic of How to Know Who You Are (or at least some clues to it) which should be up next week.
I think Freud was right – it is about choosing the destination in these sorts of things. It is about our priorities rather than our goals (in the more limited sense). Our analytical thinking can’t deal with our values – it is very valuable for the how (indispensable I think) but not for choosing what is worthwhile.
Having said this I’ll qualify it. One of the brightest people I know was in charge of a medical research team. They had never made a decision based on analysis – they just worked for consensus amongst the team and went with that. So when we are working with others it gets complicated.
I think this is a really interesting subject. For individuals because there is so much advice around about goal setting etc. And culturally because it speaks to obsession with linear rationality.
Thank you both for your comments, I’m really enjoying our conversation.
Evan,
I didn’t say this before and it keeps repeating in my head so I thought I’d add it.
I think the reason there is interaction, conversation is because you pose good questions and I think you genuinely want to know the answers. Not a common situation.
Hi Barbara,
I hope you’re right that I pose good questions, I do genuinely want to know the answers (and even get feedback and challengs on them. This can lead to lots of useful stuff I think.)
Thank you for taking the time and effort to comment.