Yes it’s hard. I know in my family us kids protect our parents from knowing some of the reality of what our lives are like.

I don’t know if its the same with you but with my parents worrying (which is what the prying is about) is the way that love is expressed. It’s nice to be loved but the way it’s expressed can certainly be annoying.

In many ways my parents still don’t understand me. They are in their 80’s and very committed to traditional sex roles and so forth. It often seems I live on a different planet to them.

I hope you are doing OK with the bi-polar, it can be a very challenging way to live (I’ve never had it but have known well people who have).

Thankyou very much for taking the time to comment so personally.

By this time we all know there are no coincidences. Everything comes to each of us for a reason. Sometimes we are fortunate and the reason is blatant.

My therapist has been diligent in fending off my fight to care for myself. Altough I did so for many many years, I did reach a point of exhaustion. I had parented my mother from the time I was a small child (3) until I was about 30. Even though we were physically separated at that point, the relationship never changed. At the same time caretaking was so natural to me, I did the same at my jobs, with friends and other family members as well.

All the therapist has to do is mention the self parenting and the possibilities of how I’ll react are many. I stop listening. I’ll argue. I’ll whine. I’ll even agree. As an additional form of support, the therapist thought I would be helped by attending ACOA meetings, a 12 step program.

The main healing premise in this group is to become “one’s own loving parent”.

I think your article was for me to really understand there has been no mistake, I have been handed my reason for now!

Thanks for your comments.

Hi Jen. Yes, the metaphor of divorce is a bit too all-embracing: we can divorce our parents on some things and not others. For those of us lucky enough to have a good enough up bringing there are voices and memories we treasure.

Hi Barbara. Once again thankyou for a great comment. Well expressed and, as always, very articulate about your own experience. Maybe self-parenting isn’t the best way to put it. We could talk about change in terms of learning skills in the here and now. I tend to speak from what has helped me and this may not be what relates best to others. It certainly can be very hard work. I was fortunate to have the space and support to be able to do it - and it took me some years. Perhaps other people won’t take as long. I don’t want to set up my experience as something ‘normal’ (whatever that could mean).

Hi Raymond. Great to hear!

I think it can be like Jen said, a comfort to hear the voice of a parent when what the voice said helped you. Even if at the time you originally heard it you my not have felt that way. But often it is more as Lightening reports, damaging.

I do struggle with the idea in my own life because I have idealized those moments. Wanting for that special time when a parent might be congratulatory at an accomplishment or share some wisdom, kindness, comfort. I search my memory for the times when those things helpful or positive were actually said. I have spent too much time wishing their presence.

The reality is more the recollection of the things I would rather not relive or repeat at this time. I do understand that those figures in my life beleived that the warning messages carried more value. The truth really is what you said Evan, they simply carried more weight and became etched.

Even just reconciling the thought that at times there was more absence than anything to recall is a challenge. And when I do hear my mother’s voice, I almost always want for it be saying something else.

As a result, I fight the idea of self parenting. I have deemed it all kinds of names I won’t repeat here! It can seem like a replication of what I have railed against my entire life. I do however take steps in the self parenting direction, but they can be among the hardest steps than any other work I have undertaken.