This is a guest post from Marie who writes the Coming Out of the Trees blog. This is a remarkable blog – it is excerpts from Marie’s journal about therapy and her therapeutic journey. It is consistently well written – vivid and with depth too. It may not be for you if you are in the middle of therapy or confronting your past – it may stir up more stuff, when you are dealing with enough of your own stuff already. However, if you are feeling solid it is one of the best blogs you can read: Marie is forthright and honest and gives a full and vivid picture of what the journey of recovering from abuse is like. This can be confronting but it is a privelege to read.
So I am pleased to welcome Marie to the blog with this post. I asked her to write about her experience with psychotherapists. She has done it in her usual style, direct and vivid.
In the last 18 months, I have started and ended therapeutic relationships with two different psychotherapists. I have come away frustrated by my inability to find a therapist who can help me travel the road I need to travel in order to heal the trauma of my childhood.
Evan became an audience to my frustration when he stumbled upon my blog a while back. As a result, he has asked me to write a guest article on what specifically didn’t work for me in those two therapeutic relationships. That brings us to the creation of the post you are now reading.
When I went in search of the first therapist (Mark), I had no idea how to select a psychotherapist. I had no idea what I needed in a therapist. I only knew I was in emotional pain and I needed relief. I decided that I felt comfortable with him – and that was enough for me. So, we began.
I stayed with Mark for eight months. Our work at first was very effective. He allowed me to share what I needed to share at the pace I needed to share it. There were no boundaries on what I could say about my own experience. There was no judgment about from where I had come.
He maintained very strong physical and sexual boundaries. In fact, by the end of our time together, I was very comfortable with “hello” and “good-bye” hugs; and, during our last session, we sat shoulder to shoulder for much of the session. I felt very safe with him physically – which was a whole new and healing experience for me.
Our conflict started when we started working on rebuilding and healing my self-image. At that point in our process, he broke his promise to keep our therapy “secular”. He is a chaplain and he prefers dispensing Bible-based counseling. But, he also offers secular therapy. I signed up for the latter; he attempted to bully me into the former. So, I left the relationship.
A few months later, I hired a psychologist. She believed that, if we just focus on the positive, the negative will disappear. That may be true in some cases, but not in my case, not with my history of repetitive childhood trauma. In my case, the act of containing, shoving down and ignoring the negative only makes it return with a vengeance.
So, my relationship with Dr. Barb only lasted three months — three tumultuous months.
The one thing that she contributed to my healing is that she gave me the opportunity to rebel against her attempts to control my thinking, feeling and behaving. My angry, passionate rebelling taught me a truth about myself.
The truth is . . . I have a still, small voice inside of me that has been telling me all along what I need to do to heal. There is no one else in this world who can map out the journey I need to take. I am the only one who can do that. There are people who can show me how to maneuver some of the trickier passages, but I am the only holder and the only reader of the map. I cannot contract out that responsibility.
It is absolutely critical to my healing that I design my own healing path. It is vital I empower myself to do that . . . and it is vital I believe I do know what is best for me. Any therapist who is not willing to follow my lead is dishonoring my God-given, innate wisdom.
Just like the human body knows how to heal itself when properly supported, so does the psyche and the spirit. We are all self-healers.
When I allow my body to be still and allow my mind to wander back over my attempts at therapy, the images and sensations that come to me center around one of my strongest, yet-to-be-realized desires – the desire to move my body freely – without inhibition.
What I really needed from Dr. Barb was for her to [figuratively] travel with me out into the wild backwoods of our magnificent Rocky Mountains and bear witness to my fledging attempts to express the long-suppressed emotions I hold stored in my body. I needed the freedom to go out to where the only eyes watching me are those of bears and birds and mountain lions – who observe with detachment and sometimes with compassion.
I needed the freedom to dance naked in the tall desert grass . . . to feel the sun and the wind on my bare skin . . . to move without the restriction of clothes and rules and expectations. I needed the freedom to scream out in anger and frustration . . . and then, eventually, to sing out with the vibrant melodies of joy and hope.
But, Dr. Barb could not provide that for me. She made me sit in her office, on her couch. She made me use my indoor voice. She [figuratively] held her hand over my mouth so I could not scream out – just like the men of my childhood did.
She tried to teach me how to build my tolerance for the pain so that I would not need to turn to numbness so often.
What I really needed was to find a way to put the pain into words – so that it could be healed – so that joy and aliveness could take its place. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life managing pain. That is not a necessary outcome.
I want to find a way to weave a life of wholeness and purpose from the thread born of that pain.
Mark tried to show me a way to convert the pain into wholeness . . . he was willing to make that trip with me into the mountain backwoods . . . but only if I was willing to wear the clothes of his tribe, dance the dances of his tribe and sing the songs of his tribe.
I don’t really belong to a tribe of my own . . . so I don’t feel the need to subscribe to a particular set of tribal rituals. I most certainly do not find any empowerment in taking on the trappings of someone else’s tribe. That is why Mark’s approach did not work for me.
My soul remembers back to the time of Eden when we were not required to wear clothes and when there was no separation into tribes. My spirit remembers the perfection of that time . . when there was only wholeness. If I must lay claim to a tribe, it would be the tribe of that time of unity and perfect communion with God.
Now, as I move forward on this journey of healing, I am intuitively stepping in the direction that leads me to those sacred backwoods . . . where I will have the freedom to dance the dances of Eden and sing the songs of creation and wholeness.
If, and when, I find a therapist who can support me on this path, he or she will be welcome to travel along side me. Until then, I’m fine on my own. I know where I’m going.
And that, Evan, is my story of what happened.
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Great to read about the time when we didn’t wear clothes and were in tribes. I think we do have vestigal traits from that time, even though many of us live in cities in the 21st century.
And the tribe as a metaphor is maybe even more powerful. It’s not just being on Survivor the show, it’s being a survivor. And survivorship is a tribe sometimes.
I think therapy has to embrace the positive and the negative. After all, it’s the negative you come for in the first place, and then you want to maximise the positive and make yourself more able to appreciate it.
It takes years to respect your wisdom and then to act onto it.
I was reading an article today when a 23-week-old premature child was feeling the wind. She is 2-and-a-half now. I wonder what her future will be. And feeling the wind is a basic human freedom. How did we and could we get so alienated from nature and from ourselves and others?
[...] invite you to hop over to his blog (Well Being and Health) and check it [...]
I like what Marie says about wanting a therapist to be willing to follow the client’s lead. I also like what Marie says about the encouragement of a therapist to focus only on ‘the positive’ and not on the negative, being like the abuser holding a hand over the victim’s mouth (Marie, sorry if I’m misinterpreting your intention here, but this is at least a meaning I draw from what you’ve said, which speaks to/in me). And I like Marie’s point that advising someone to adopt a pain-management approach to the healing of trauma (which isn’t “healing” at all) is an unnecessary outcome; I couldn’t agree more. Well, I don’t know if it’s “unnecessary” (I hope it is), but I believe it is unacceptable in principle – at least, not an outcome I’m interested in settling for without trying to find one that includes the trauma actually having been healed (rather than just managed or ignored).
I’m interested in what Marie says about her sense/ideas about what she needs to do to heal her trauma – the path she needs to take. I don’t have a sense of that for myself, but I’m also not entirely sure what my original trauma is. I hope I find a path or a direction for healing, soon. One that is right for me. In the meantime, I do “manage” it well enough, but actually healing old wounds that still effect and limit me would (I imagine) be far more satisfying and I imagine would also result in me having a sense of vitality and energy and freedom and personal power that I feel a lack of.
Hi, Adelaide -
Thank you for your kind and supportive words . . . it sounds like you have first-hand experience with survivorship and healing. For me, being in nature is such a key part of my healing — it sounds like you value that also.
Thank you for your comment!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
Hi, Christine –
It sounds like you have really done some deep thinking about all of this.
By the way, your interpretation of the therapist’s hand over my mouth is “as intended”. There was a definite element of re-traumatization in her attempts to silence me and to avoid bearing witness to my story.
I’m glad that you are willing to embrace the possibility that your pain can be healed – that it can be replaced with vitality and energy and freedom and personal power.
In my own journey, I am now experiencing isolated moments of wholeness along the way . . . and I have started seeing wholeness as a way of being rather than a destination. I don’t think I’ll ever reach a time where I can say, “I have arrived!” Instead, I appreciate the moments of wholeness when they come around and I look forward to the time when there are more moments of wholeness than moments of brokenness. I believe it is an ongoing process that continues as long as we occupy these human bodies.
You mentioned the sense I have about what I need to do to heal my trauma. This may bear clarification. I can’t see very far down the path. I really only have a sense of what I need to do today, in this present moment. It comes as a gut feeling . . . often in response to the options I see in front of me.
When I was in therapy with each of the two therapists, I had very strong feelings about which parts of the therapy was helpful and which parts were harmful. However, I tried to ignore those feelings because I was giving my power to guide my own journey to the therapists. After all, they were the professionals, surely they knew better than I . . .
Finally, I decided to honor my gut feelings and act accordingly. I empowered myself. The therapists did not empower me. That is why I’m no longer working with them.
Now, I am listening to that gut feeling. When someone suggests a book, or when I have a vivid dream, or when I feel myself reacting to someone, or when I get a sense that I need to research a specific topic . . . I listen to my gut . . . and my gut tells me, “yes”, “no”, “listen”, “talk”, “stay”, “run like hell”, “be logical”, “let the emotions come” . . . .
So, that is what I mean when I say I know where I’m going.
Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments!
- Marie
Thank you for writing this Marie. Very good explanations about why these therapists did not work for you. After almost 6 years with the same therapist I have recently come to see that one of the best things has done for me has been to just LISTEN. He has let me go at my own pace, let me say what I need to say and do what I need to do- at the times when I am ready. Anyway- thank you for writing this and I hope you do find someone to help you on your journey. Jenny
Thanks for sharing this Marie. I felt inspired when I read that you’ve arrived at your own path to healing. I wonder if we could see your experiences with the therapists as part of your journey toward finding your path — that, by learning what didn’t work in those relationships, you were ultimately guided toward what did work for you.
Hi, Jenny (artconstellation) -
It is so true that the most valuable part of therapy is the freedom to talk and the gift of really being listened to.
Thank you for the input and for the well wishes . . .
- Marie
Hi, Chris -
Yes, absolutely I can see my experiences with the therapists as a learning tool. It allowed me to really get clear about some key concepts.
Thank you for your comment!
- Marie
Great post, Marie. I think one of the most empowering things a client can do is to fire a therapist who isn’t a good match.
There are excellent therapists out there, who provide perspective, guidance, and safety that people are rarely able to provide for themselves. But as with any significant relationship, it’s crucial to know what you’re looking for, before you start to look. As a veteran of ten fired therapists, and one who is a perfect fit, I know how much bad advice is floating around … and well-intentioned advice that simply doesn’t fit who the client really is.
Hi, David -
Thank you for the compliment!
I think, sometimes, that it is difficult to know what kind of therapist one needs when just starting therapy for the first time. So, I guess it would be good for someone to give themself “permission” to change therapists when his or her gut says it is time.
Thanks for your input!
- Marie
Marie -
Thanks for sharing this experience with two different therapists. I agree completely with your statement
“I don’t think I’ll ever reach a time where I can say, “I have arrived!”
It is an ongoing process that may never be complete, but does get better.
OLJ
Hi, OLJ -
You speak the truth! I appreciate your comment and your support!
- Marie
Marie,
So happy to meet you and share a mini-section of your life. Looks like the Universe is providing gentle lessons in intimacy. You described how you’re getting clear on what works and what doesn’t. When we’ve learned our lesson, it’s time to move onto the next one. Nothing’s wrong! It’s all perfect. I’m learning to just say “thank you” instead of lamenting over what happened to cause an ending. We were done. I’m onto my next lesson now. Thank you for expressing this experience so eloquently.
Cheryl
Hi, Cheryl -
I really appreciate your reading and commenting on my guest post . . .
Thank you for sharing your insight on learning and moving on . . . that seems to be a very healthy attitude!
- Marie
Wow, great Marie!!
I have spent the past few months doing about the same, and have had the opportunity to travel and be around beautiful nature.
Now that I am back to the grind, it is nice to be reminded to always listen to the spirit of the inner voice, the one that speaks to us from the mountains and encourages us to keep on going, regardless of obstacles/people that might conflict with us.
Thank you so much!!!
Jessica
Hi, Jessica -
I’m glad you are finding strength and support in your inner voice . . . I think nature is such a pure form of Spirit. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your perspective!
- Marie
“Any therapist who is not willing to follow my lead is dishonoring my God-given, innate wisdom”.
I feel like cheering, Marie! Thanks for a wonderful and empowering post.
Thank you, Sarah, for the cheer! I’m glad you found it uplifting. I appreciate your input!
- Marie
[...] [Editorial note: You can read more about my empowering epiphany -- that I don't have to be a compliant client -- in my guest post at Evan's blog (Health and Wellbeing)] [...]