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This is a guest post by one of my readers and commenters, Barbara. It is about abusive relationships and her experience of them. If you feel this may be upsetting for you please don’t read any further. As always Barbara is articulate and insightful. I hope you find this a very valuable post, I do. Evan
When You Learn Abuse, You Live Abuse
When you live abuse, you learn abuse. Placed in any order, it all comes out the same. Existing in a very real circle.
I haven’t read a lot of the studies and statistics about abuse. I am sure the reason is ‘I don’t want to know’. Or perhaps it is unnecessary. All I have to do is look at how I live. When one has lived with abuse, normalized it, internalized it, actually accepted it, the twists and turns a life can take are astounding. Not that all of life isn’t astounding in some fashion, but the lessons that abusive beginnings directs one to live through are many more than I would ever have believed. They have been exaggerated living and exaggerated lessons for me. Not that all this just happens, but it does grow from roots that have been planted early on.
Unlike most plants this one’s not pretty. Not even a good looking weed and even harder to dig up.
Very often my own abusing action has been subtle, almost hidden, just not absent. Making it all the more difficult to identify. It is only now in my life, as I have begun to examine these dynamics as they affect me each day, I recognize how powerful this imbued abuse is. Not has been, is. The need for me to practice vigilance is great.
I think one of the other reasons recognition takes so much time and effort is the notion of big picture, little picture. Compared to war, civil and religious oppression, my individual story seems insignificant. I downplayed mine for a long time which led to ignoring the affects. I told myself all kinds of stories to make abused and abusive all ok. The thing is, if there were no small stories there would be no big ones. The oversized events are just the little ones oversized.
Evan has written several posts lately dealing with abusive dynamics. Sadism and masochism, domestic violence, he even talked about the hostility toward children in one article. The thing that really got my attention to investigate my situation further, was his post on perfectionism. He asked how any of us, the readers, experienced perfectionism. You can read my response at the end of his article. As I finished writing my comment, I realized there were many, many other ways in which I used and abused others and myself with only this one aspect, perfectionism.
Only one aspect. There are many others.
Quite simply, the abuse taught me abuse. And infinite ways in order to effect it. I applied what I learned universally. The cycle continues because as one who was/is abused, I made it my normal. It is what I know, because it is what was consistently present in my world. And vice versa. When the recognition of what has happened, is happening, finally presents opportunity to see there is nothing normal, regular, acceptable or desirable about any aspect of these situations, an opening is created. Examination shows me the damage I’ve left in my wake, the propensity for continued damage, and lastly, the need and want for what is different.
One of the things about abuse is that everyone pays. When I abuse, I feel guilt and if I’m lucky I get to remorse. As I grieve there is pain. If I don’t grieve, I hold this destructive action within. Then, like a force always trying to get out, I often repeat behaviors in the frustration, hurt, anger or fear I am feeling. I have inflicted to relieve infliction. But I can’t just pawn this stuff off. However, I can and do spread it around, knowingly or not. Finding any way to avoid pain is natural. The thing is, I can’t avoid this pain any which way I try. Whether it’s inside or out. I actually put into motion, by my hurtful actions, the inevitability of pain. And in that, I’ve only covered my side of the story, what affects me.
In abusive scenarios, there are others, even if only self-abuse is present. What I inflict on myself eventually ripples outward. There is no way to contain it, it is a part of my energy, which flows with all other energy. And why would I want to share this particular energy?
I have abused people, whether it was by word or deed. I have needed to make amends, reparations, in order for wounds to heal, as much for my sake as the other. It is not easy, nor is my offering necessarily received by people. There is going to be hurt any way it turns out. As is evident, the vicious cycle ensues with nothing but hurt, pain, loss and cost.
I have been in this whirlwind my entire life, and my life reflects that upset. Seeing and finding the ‘escape’ route is difficult. When I was young I did not have the means to do anything about the environment that enveloped me. But there were many more years after that that I acted in both the abused and abuser roles. I can attempt to envision my life in a thousand different ways to no avail. Fixing this has to come first, to unblock the path. Until I can change, I won’t have peace. Being as much for my own benefit as the whole. I think I finally am aware where my most important responsibility lies. Breaking this very real circle.
