It is about that difficult time in relationships when we aren’t sure who is influencing who and who is responsible for what, and it is awfully difficult to know what to do. I guess we have all been in that kind of situation. I offer some suggestions for what to do when we are in that kind of situation. I hope you like the post and find the suggestions useful, Evan.

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This happens even if they haven’t been in touch much in the time in between. They are around the same, different genders. They have similar interests but quite different values on some things.

These are the only two people who I know this happens to. I’m just wondering if anyone else has this experience for themselves or if you know other people like this.

Let me know in the comments if you do. I’d be fascinated to hear.

Coming Soon: Habits for Authenticity

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This is a very big topic to take on all at once. I look at the way that we influence each other and how demanding that others change is likely to produce the opposite. I also talk about the need to know what the change is that we want. I hope you like it, Evan

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One part of our western culture that has changed dramatically is the place given to family. Partly due to the cost of housing (especially in Australia, where I’m from, where the real cost of housing is increasing dramatically) it is rare for an extended family to live within walking distance. It is now common for them to be scattered between cities.

Does this mean that we must have a shorter life or a less healthy one than the healthy old people studied? To change our culture back to valuing family is more than one person (or perhaps even many thousands) can do.

What can we do?
Small things

• Prioritise friendship. Think up ways to spend enjoyable times with friends. If you go for a walk by yourself each day, you could perhaps involve a friend once a week. Make a time in your diary once a week or once a month where you do something to develop a friendship (new or old).
• If you are thinking of moving to a retirement village check out the kinds of communal facilities they offer. These will make it easier to form clubs and spend time with others.
• See if there is a club you can join around your interests.
• If you are in a tradition of faith, see if you can find a group that you are comfortable with and that would welcome you.

All of which takes time and lifestyle adjustments, which leads us to . . .

Big things

• See if there is a way to work part-time and spend your time developing friendships and doing things you love.
• See if there is a co-housing scheme which you like and where you want to live.
• Is there a way to design your life so that you are interruptible? So that you can easily stop what you are doing to help a friend?

These are big things and could take consistent work over quite a while to achieve. However, a healthy old age is a big concern, and these changes can often be made in small steps. And each step can be an improvement and feel good – it doesn’t require ‘discipline’ to keep on with these changes, just enjoying ourselves and finding ways to enjoy ourselves more. This is pretty much the ideal kind of change.

If you liked this post you may also be interested in these posts on,

How people live in societies characterised by a healthy old age, and,

What we can learn from how people live in societies characterised by a healthy old age.

My next eBook is going to be about societies characterised by a healthy old age and how this applies to our health. It will be mixing the research about the healthy old with research about the simple things we can do to stay healthy.

The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.

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I like Steve Pavlina
I like Steve Pavlina – I like his adrenalin-junkie style. I like how he pushes the boundaries and is always trying stuff (like sleeping twenty minutes every four hours instead in one block as usual). I like that he is willing to step outside the mainstream (exploring non-mainstream sexuality like polyamory). I like that he processes these things and doesn’t tell others that they should be like him (like his ongoing investigation of the diet that works for him). I like that he writes at length and investigates a subject in depth. And I like that even though he writes a lot there is always content in what he says. He may get it wrong, we may want to argue or disagree (even violently) but it is not fluff.

The Book
I like what Steve has tried to do in this book. He has tried to cover the whole field of self-development and come up with a theory to cover all of it. This means that we can test it and find what works or doesn’t. He has put his ideas out there – and made his thinking vulnerable in the process. This is a braver move than testimony: many people relate what worked for them and then say it may work for others. This is undoubtedly true and has integrity. It also is no guide to what may work for others – every person could write their own book like this. Steve’s top-down approach may miss the personal quality and vivid detail of testimony, but it has the virtue of saying that this will work and us being able to find out whether it does or not. We need Steve’s kind of book.

The book is in two sections, the first half lays out the principles, and the second gives the application to various areas of life. Each chapter concludes with exercises you can do.

PART ONE
I like six-sevenths of the basic framework. This basic framework is three concepts and their inter-relationships – these are organised as: the points of a triangle, the three sides of a triangle, and the middle.

The three points are: truth, love and power. In bodily metaphors (mine not his): head, heart and hand. “Power” may be an unfortunate choice of term – what Steve means is that we are able to do what we want to do, he doesn’t mean brute force. It is important to point out that the person is the triangle – not an addition of three points. We are not truth plus love plus power but the entity that is these all at the same time. For me this is a good framework. It is simple enough to be remembered and referred to easily. It is specific enough to offer guidance in the concrete details of our lives.

[The three basic principles however, in my view, fail one of Steve’s criteria: irreducibility. “Irreducibility means that we can’t think of any simpler terms to take account of the experience we are dealing with. To my mind the more basic idea is ‘life’ which I paraphrase as a compassionate joyfulness or a joyful compassion (this is often called ‘flow’ but my terms give more sense of the quality of the experience, for me anyway). Both joy and compassion require engagement with the situation, concern and engagement from the person, as well as an orientation to effective action in the situation. Truth, love and power is an analysis of the more fundamental experience of compassionjoy. I will return to this when I get to the principle of intelligence.]

There is one chapter devoted to each of these terms where they are explored in depth. In the first chapter for instance the key components of truth are given as: perception, prediction, accuracy, acceptance and self-awareness. Each of these aspects is also dealt with, often insightfully. Steve also gives what he sees as the major blocks to truth. There is much substance here. This is a book that you can think about, come back to, and take time to digest.

[I don’t think that ‘acceptance’ is actually a component of truth. I think that this is really what Steve thinks our response to truth should be – once we know what the truth is. This is important in our experience of truth but different to being a component of truth.]

The three points of the triangle give the basic framework: truth, love and power. The sides of the triangle give the combination of each of these two qualities: oneness, authority and courage. Oneness is the combination of truth and love; authority is the combination of truth and power; and courage is the combination of love and power.

This brings us to the seventh aspect of the basic framework, which sits in the centre of the triangle: intelligence. For Steve intelligence is the highest form of human expression. For Steve this is the unified whole of our experience. This is the one seventh of the basic framework that I disagree with.

What Steve means by intelligence is ‘alignment with truth, love and power’. By “intelligence” he means something different to academic cleverness or prodigious memory.

Steve asks us to,
Take a moment to ponder the above definition of intelligence. Does it satisfy your logical mind as well as your intuition? (p.116)

My answer is, “No”. Analytically – intelligence is a different attribute that can be applied to truth, love and power. Power can be exercised stupidly, and love can be well intentioned and dumb. To my way of thinking intelligence is an aspect of truth – understanding differences and relationships between parts and the part and the whole. Intuitively – the combination of truth, love and power (in the sense Steve uses it) is life/flow/joyouscompassion: intelligence is pale and superficial by comparison. For me “intelligence” doesn’t begin to capture the highest form of human expression.

PART TWO
In the second half of the book the general principles are applied to six areas of self-development: habits, career, money, health, relationships and spirituality.

Of these it is money that is the area of my life that I am least happy with, so I’ll examine this chapter as an example of the second half of the book.

MONEY
Each of the six areas in part two has the seven principles applied to it. Steve applies each of the principles to money.

• The truth about money is that it is a social phenomenon – it functions as a resource based on a kind of contract or agreement.
• The principle of love means that we earn money through making a worthwhile contribution to society.
• The principle of power means being responsible for our financial situation and also using money rather than letting it dictate to you – there may be non-financial ways to achieve the lifestyle we desire.
• Oneness means making money by making as big a social contribution as you can: to find the overlap between your personal values and what your society values (what they’ll pay for). This leads to a consideration of fairness – ‘the labourer is worthy of their hire’ (if they are making a worthwhile contribution).
• To develop authority in relation to money may mean educating yourself and trying out new behaviour. Developing authority in the overlap between personal and social values will make it easier to make money.
• Courage means asking for what you’re worth, and sticking with a heart-centred path.
• Finally intelligence and money. This means making intelligent choices to increase the social value you deliver and express yourself creatively.

[All this I can mostly agree with. My big disagreement is that there is social conservatism about it. A flagrant example is that parents caring for children are paid little, if anything, while those who play dress-ups for the movies can be paid millions. Steve’s answer is for the individual to adapt – to find the overlap between their personal and their society’s values. My values say that society – which an individual can influence in a small way – may also need changing.]

I hope this gives a sense of the rigour that Steve has. The principles are worked through to practical application in each area of life. The application is thought through, direct and concrete. I may disagree or want to argue with what is said but I like that there is enough substance and clarity so that I can argue or disagree. The subtitle of the book is, “the conscious pursuit of personal growth” and the clarity and concreteness certainly help to become conscious of the area being addressed.

Overall
Taken as a whole I really like this book. I like that it wants to play a big game and nails its colours to the mast. I like its rigour and the preparedness to lay out principles and say how they apply. It follows up on the subtitle, of being about by the conscious pursuit of personal growth, by being explicit about its own framework and how it applies in a range of areas.

My Problem . . .
. . . with this book is that it is a good book, perhaps even a very good book, just not a great book. (I think Steve has it in him to produce a great book.) I think it is easily one of the best books I have read on personal development. It is far better than most books out there. It is full of useful stuff and practical advice. The analysis and application is intelligent and often subtle.

Self-development for Smart People doesn’t rival Perls, Hefferline and Goodman’s Gestalt Therapy or Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I was hoping it would. However, I don’t know of any other books that rival Gestalt Therapy or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance either. This is a good book, just not the great book that I was hoping for.

The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.

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This is how I’m feeling at the moment, “Somebody ought to blow up full time work!”!

For the last year I’ve been working both a full-time and a part-time job. This hasn’t lead to any major disasters or had a terribly negative impact – but it is a long way from what I would prefer. I would have like to spend much more time exploring qi gong, going for walks, spending time with my partner, preparing nice meals . . . the list is long.

Most people I know value the time they spend with their family and loved ones. Most people I know spend most of their time away from those they love, doing what they don’t particularly enjoy.

There are other costs too: Time spent commuting, the price of clothes, possibly eating not as well as at home.

Full-time work just seems like a rotten way to organise our lives.

A Sign of Hope
The ‘downshifting’ phenomenon seems to mean that many people are deciding that full-time work and other aspects of a consumerist lifestyle are not how they want to live. A survey of this downshifting phenomenon in Australia found that in a five year period 25% of people had voluntarily reduced their lifestyle (this excluded those who had retired or returned to study). This amounts to a huge social movement – which has (for the large part) been resolutely ignored by the media and politicians.

What to do?

Trade-offs

In Australia (where the price of renting and buying a house is very high) most people work full-time to buy a house. (And as the affordability of housing continues to decline it will increasingly mean both partners working full time.)

It’s likely that giving up full-time work means giving up hopes of owning a house – in a major metropolitan centre anyway.

Downshifting

Another kind of trade-off is reducing your lifestyle to a lower income. Usually this means getting rid of the car. (This is very difficult to do with young children I think; especially in developer built suburbia where shops and services usually aren’t within walking distance.) Other things it can mean: changing the kind of entertainment to spending time with people at homes and in public rather than going out to eat or be entertained. Making and taking food places instead of buying it at a destination. Making and taking lunch to work. Walking each day instead of a gym membership. Buying and cooking ingredients instead of heating pre-packaged food.

Innovation

Working from home
Some kinds of work can be done from home. Even if you spend as much time working you will stay save the time commuting and perhaps be able to eat lunch with friends and family. This does require being able to set boundaries and not work all the time (if you like others to maintain boundaries for you then you may end up working more hours than you did going out to work.)

Your own business
If you have the ability to sell then you have an advantage. Any one with their own business needs to sell. This means either finding other people’s stuff to sell or making your own stuff to sell.
At the moment it is relatively cheap, quick and easy to see if you could have your own business. The costs of entry for an online business are tiny compared to bricks and mortar businesses. This depends on the kind of business – you can’t do a massage online. If it is a hands-on business you can usually start trying it out with friends – be sure to ask for an honest answer about how much they would pay (figure out a way for them to do it anonymously – such as giving them a self-addressed envelope with a feedback form – if you need to).
If you want to try your own business, make sure you plan one that can be done part-time. Think about if you are prepared to be on call a lot to build clientele in the early days. Think about how you will cut this back as you go. Think about if the business could involve you working enjoyably together with those you love.

Not working = doing what you love
Can you find someone to pay you to do what you love (an employer or a customer)? If so then this can do away with a lot of the unpleasantness of full-time work.

These are my thoughts. What are your thoughts on full-time work? A necessary evil? A valuable necessity? I’d like to hear how you have responded to full-time work? Avoided it? Embraced it? Found ways to cope with it? I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.

The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.

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There is an on-going project to research these long-lived and healthy people. The results of studying these people – giving us insight into how to live a long and healthy life – are now starting to be presented.

The most accessible presentation of this data is a kind of ‘long and healthy life pyramid’. There are nine factors, organised in a pyramid of four layers, that are shared by all the societies characterised by long and healthy lives. You can find the graphic on the Blue Zones About page.

The foundation is a sense of belonging to a group. This has three components:

• putting loved ones first
• connecting with a faith tradition, and
• surrounding yourself with the ‘right people’.

The next tier in the pyramid is eating wisely. This also has three components:

• eat 20% less at meals (eat ‘til 70% full or until ‘lightly satisfied’),
• eat whole foods, mostly plants (to paraphrase Michael Pollan), avoid processed foods, and,
• the fun one: a couple of glasses of wine daily.

The next tier is concerned with outlook, which they call “Right Outlook”. This only has two components:

• a sense of purpose, and
• periods of calm each day.

Finally, at the top of the period there is movement. This is concerned with,

• moving naturally. That is, having our living spaces organised to encourage movement and moving in ways we love – doing things with our loved ones but also doing activities we love (walking, dancing, gardening, playing and so on)

These nine factors are shared by all those societies characterised by living to a healthy old age. Most encouragingly they are things that are often within our control and can involve small adjustments.  Our health in our old age (with a little luck) is largely within our control – and there are small things we can do that can make a real difference.

These findings I think are remarkably important and quite encouraging.

If you like this post, you might also like:
Ageing Well: can we do anything about it?
Can We Have A Healthy Old Age?
Change the World (one bite at a time)

The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.

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