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Does perfectionism have benefits?
The connection of perfectionism with discontent and misery is pretty clear. Whatever experience we have or object we encounter or person we meet, it is likely that they could be ‘better’ in some way. The person may be a saint – but they dress sloppily; the house may be ecologically viable – but not as beautiful as it could be; we may have had a delightful time giggling at a movie, but shouldn’t I have been engaged with something more spiritually profound? We seem to have a great ability to find some kind of fault with anything.
It is tempting, when we say how we cause so much misery to ourselves by our perfectionism, to go for total acceptance: “Things just are the way they are.” My major difficulty with this position is that it seems unethical. While it is true that “it is simply a fact” that many children die of preventable diseases, to “accept that that is just the way it is” doesn’t seem a terribly ethical position. Acceptance (in this sense) seems to lack any compassion. This kind of acceptance ignores the huge amount of compassion shown in small ways every day – this too is ‘just the way it is’. Parents care selflessly for their children, and children attempt to parent their parents (this is naive but that doesn’t lessen the compassion shown).
I think there is a valuable truth in the ‘that’s just the way it is’ position. This truth is that if we want to make changes for the better, then there is no use pretending: sentimentalising has to go. Pretending that our situation is less urgent or threatening than it is probably won’t help. (There also needs to be the space and support to work through the feelings of anger, rage and despair that may result from seeing our situation clearly.)
Does this mean we should embrace perfectionism? Is it not what drives us to excel and do better?
My answer is no on both counts. Perfectionism is usually accompanied by anxiety – and anxiety is a distraction from learning. To learn well we need to be able to focus on the subject matter, worrying about performance or rewards or doing well just gets in the way of this. It seems to me that perfectionism actually gets in the way of improvement. (Yes, I do think our schooling is a dreadful impediment to learning, but that’s the subject for another post.) Competition becomes valuable when we have mastered the basic skills and are clear about what we need to do: then we challenge ourselves or compete against others – to see whether we can do what we want to do faster, better, or more easily.
It’s been my experience that when we immerse ourselves in something that we are fascinated with, then we learn – and part of that learning is ‘pushing the boundaries’, seeing how good we can get at something or what we can do with something. The difference is that this comes from fascination with the “stuff” we are dealing with and from within ourselves. Perfectionism is almost always an external imposition. To try to get some clarity about this I call the internal desire to do better that comes out of our engagement “challenge”: challenge calls us to something higher and our energy rises to it. Perfectionism is a burden.
Does perfectionism have benefits? In my experience: no, none at all.
Are you a perfectionist? Perhaps you were once but aren’t any longer. Perhaps you feel that your perfectionism has served you well. Let me know your experiences of perfectionism in the comments. I think this is a fascinating subject and would like to hear your views and experiences.
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Tags: challenge, learning, perfectionism
Hello Evan,
To narrow down how many ways I’ve experienced perfectionism might prove difficult. Off the top of my head…
I’ve used it as a personal motivating tool. And as excuse for failure. I compare and contrast. It is the origin of my striving and longing. It was a way to attention getting. It has been a way to keep me down.
I hear a saying from my youth, if you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.
I’ve held it as a tool to manipulate, shame and humiliate others. I think I’ve used it in the same way on myself.
I have acheived what I once thought was what I wanted to acheive. In that achievement, I’m certain the observation by others proved one can, if not obtain perfection, come close. Rags to riches stories with the perfectionist twist. It was overtly evident I had no joy when I was in the midst of the ‘riches’. And how terribly dissappointed, disillusioned and lost I really was.
It is apparent, as you say, Evan, there are figurative, literal and long term costs for perfectionism. Owing everyone, including oneself in the end, is probably never worth it.
Thanks Barbara,
What a comment. Insightful and articulare as ever.
My guess to is that it is never worth it.
Thanks for a great comment.