Embracing Our Conflicts: One Method for Personal Change

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This method is for those times when you feel stuck.  It is not a method for dealing with external obstacles (priorities, goals, efficiency – all of which are important for external effectiveness) but for personal change.

The central insight is that being stuck is different to being tired.  When we feel stuck we are often fidgetting or pacing or something similar – all of which is expending energy.  If we were low on energy we’d be resting, or maybe sleeping.  So being stuck is different to not having energy.

Being stuck means an internal conflict.  We talk about being ‘in two minds’ about something or having alternatives – “on the hand this, but on the other hand that”.  Often the advice is to choose the one that has greatest benefits or makes most sense (whether this is to do with your values or your goals).  The problem with this advice as I see it is that we always lose.  If we choose one part of ourselves over another we ignore another part.  If we fight with ourselves we lose even if we win.

Instead it is better to examine the different things we are attracted to.  What is it we like about this alternative and what is it we like about the other, or many other, alternatives.  This means going beyond the alternatives presented and examining ourselves – what it is that we find attractive about the alternatives.  This can be by making a list, imagining a dialogue, or even talking to our hands – on this hand I think, my other hand thinks this . . .  The point of the process is to get to the bottom of the attraction.  Then we can know why we are stuck – we have two (or more) things that we are attracted to.

A Simple Example
I may be stuck about whether to go out with, say, Helen on Saturday night.  On the one hand it will be fun, on the other I really need to relax.  How can I have fun and relax?  Maybe going out somewhere quiet with Helen.  Maybe inviting Helen over to my place.  Maybe by going out with someone else, Helen is great to party with but  Lucy is calmer and quieter.  Usually, when we can find what is attractive to us about both options, there will be the possibility for a win-win outcome.

This process can be done with more profound stuck points to.  (Though you may want to ensure you have some good support that you can call on if you want to go deep.)  These will usually take longer, both to find out what the attraction is, and then to make the change part of our lives.

Two More Complex Examples
1. Let’s imagine Jillian.  Jillian doesn’t want to be seen as weak.  She feels lonely and sees this as a weakness – she wants to feel strong instead.  (She may believe that, “A woman shouldn’t have to rely on other people”.)  So Jillian starts out trying to think how she could be strong about this too.  And then she discovers some hesitation – she doesn’t want to feel strong all the time – being constantly on guard, always supporting others, never getting anything back; sometimes she just wants to let go and relax and take time off, because: sometimes it all just gets too  much.  At this point Jillian has found her stuck point.

At this point the advice is usually to choose one side of the conflict: either, you can be a strong woman – self-reliant and not need anyone, or, you shouldn’t be so strong – you need to be soft and feminine to be a truly whole person.  Whichever one is chosen the other is ignored, and one part of herself is lost.

However, it is possible to listen to the desires of both.    Jillian may see that strength means dealing with our weakness or it is just foolish.  She may decide that without vulnerability she will not have a clear perception of her situation.  She may find that there is a resiliance that comes when we combine ‘strength’ and ‘weakness’ (that we are no longer fragile or a pushover).

How this will be expressed is a very personal decision – depending on her beliefs, values and their present situation.  Jillian may be religious or not, may be committed to a particular notion of gender (men and women have diverse roles, or, it is wrong for men and women to have defined roles – it is only ability that matters), and will certainly express her synthesis of strong and weak differently in diverse situations (having fun with his kids, providing solutions to problems at work, on a romantic picnic).

2. Let’s imagine Jake.  Jake is well and truly fed up with not only working full-time as well as being expected to be a domestic god.  He doesn’t think that it is unreasonable to expect an adult to pick up their own clothes.  But he doesn’t want to be a nag, and he certainly does love his wife, and doesn’t want to hurt her.  How to voice anger and not hurt those he loves?  He has perhaps seen people out of control with their anger – and that just makes things worse.  Jake wants to be both angry and kind.

At this point the usual advice is to choose one.  Either, Jake is to told he has to let go of anger – you can’t be angry with those you truly love – or, he should escape the prison of having to be kind and manifest the inner warrior.  Whichever he chooses Jake is not honouring a part of himself.

Jake may find that holding in his anger will make it more likely (not less) that he will end up out of control.  He may find that listening to his anger gives him insight into what he wants altered and that it is OK to be kind to himself.  That his anger will prevent his kindness being taken for granted by his wife.  His anger and kindness can toghether be a very focussed giving – one that sees the situation clearly and decides he can do about it.

To learn to speak respectfully when angry and to not take on other people’s stuff – even when he is being kind – may take time.  And this new positive-kindness, or respectful-angriness, will be expressed differently in different situations (not doing housework that others want him to is different to choosing a fun day out, is different to collaborating on a project).

These examples are only quick little caricatures – they are just to give a couple of examples of what this process looks like.

What’s the benefit for us and the others around us of honouring both desires that we have?  For ourselves, when we stop fighting ourselves there is an elation.  The energy we have spent fighting ourselves is released.  This feels great!  And we have the energy to live more of our lives.  For those around us there will be a relationship with a more whole person – and they won’t have someone around who is feeling stuck (which isn’t the best fun).  Getting through our stuck spots is great for ourselves and those around us.

This is a method of personal change based on gestalt psychotherapy.  I like gestalt because it works and has a good theoretical base (though this is often written in difficult language unfortunately.  If you want to go deeply into gestalt psychotherapy the best book is still Perls, Hefferline and Goodman’s Gestalt Therapy – it lays out both the theory and practical exercises to do.  It is not an easy read but every moment spent genuinely digesting it pay dividends.)

Have their been times when you have found a way to not choose one side of a conflict with yourself?  That instead you have found a way to have the best of both?  I’d love to hear about it if you are happy to leave it as a comment.

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