My latest guest post on the Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life blog is a bit contrarian. It’s called The Downsides of Optimism.
There is much in the blogosphere about how we should be positive and so on. I largely (but don’t entirely) agree with this. So I wanted to put the other side of the story. I think sometimes optimism leads us to not plan adequately and to be insensitive to others.
Let me know what you think. All comments are welcome even from pessimists or even cynics (among whom I have been known to be numbered). Looking forward to hearing from you, Evan.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: optimism, planning, sensitivity
Part 2 – Adolescence
For me at least adolescence was about finding out how to fit in with others and the world in general. This was a bit of a challenge for an introvert.
Especially for an introvert who was a thinker. It seemed to me that there weren’t clear rules; and the rules there were weren’t rational. Why shouldn’t I answer honestly when asked how I was feeling? And how to know when to answer directly and when not to? It felt to me that I was expected to do what others said without being given any good reason to.
The world seemed chaotic and irrational. And I wasn’t terribly interested in it anyway. One of my reactions to this was to do think that, “Well, I may as well just do what I want”. Another was to try and formulate rational principles to live by. Which lead to me being impatient with what I saw as others being inconsistent with their professed principles. I wanted a rational system – and it didn’t occur to me that there may be no all embracing system.
Meanwhile, my inner world was quite intense. Along with the usual hormonal realities I was part of Evangelical Christianity, with its sexually pre-occupied morality. My church had a youth group with weekly outings as well as bible studies. This group largely functioned for me as something of a refuge, for me it was on the whole quite positive. (I was white, male, middle-class, wordy and serious.) For others it was much less so.
The sexualised morality had a curiously complex effect. While pre-marital sex was frowned upon (and some sex sexuality abhorred), this meant that (straight, heterosexual) sex was discussed with some freedom (more than in secular Australian society at the time in my experience). This environment ill-prepared us for sexual relationships – but if anything the boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in the youth-group seemed happier than those I knew of in secular groups. We were also free of expectations about sexual performance.
One positive legacy of church was being part of a group that knew it was a minority. We got the message in many different ways that we were part of a minority and the majority were bad/deluded/not to be copied. For an introvert this was quite a blessing: it gave me some sort of license to not fit in. My church life was something of a safe place, a place where I was personally known and often liked and respected and always tolerated (despite my social ineptness).
At the end of my adolescence I still took my faith seriously and was wondering what to do with my life. And I really had no clue about what job I could do – I felt (entirely correctly I think) that I wasn’t particularly suited to anything. Through attending a conference I would discover a Christian group that I would be part of for my 20’s.
I’d like to know about your experience of adolescence too – whether you are an introvert or an extravert. I’m aware that my experience is probably quite unusual but I’d like to know if it strikes a chord with you. Looking forward to hearing from you.
If you like this post you might also like,
An Introvert’s Journey Part 1 – Childhood
An Introvert’s Authenticity
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: adolescence, christianity, evangelical christianity, introversion
I have a guest post on the Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life blog. It is something of a follow-up to my last one on being a craftsperson.
Craftspeople are often thought to be patient. There is good evidence for this – they spend years pursuing their craft – and this involves doing the same thing over and over again. It also means dealing with frustration – developing a skill means learning how to overcome one frustration after another.
But I’m not sure that “patience” is always the right word. I think curiosity is sometimes what it’s about – and I think that curiosity is different to patience; and I think that curiosity and patience are different attitudes to life.
I hope you like the post, it’s called The Patient, Frustrated Craftsperson. Let me know what you think, Evan.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: craft, curiosity, frustration, patience
Part 1 – Childhood
The introvert I am writing about is me.
When I look back I feel that I have always been an introvert. This fits with what other people tell me, that I was “shy” and so on. One complicating factor was that at about 18months of age I had a couple of fits (probably due to the weather – it was on very hot summer days) which I don’t remember. This meant that I was on mild consciousness altering drugs until fourth grade. When I was taken off them my school work immediately improved.
My major impression of my life up to about 10 is feeling somewhat detached and puzzled. I didn’t understand why people did things the way they did or why I was expected to do particular things. I don’t remember this as being sad or feeling bad, I happily watched a lot of TV, played with the kids across the road (this was the end of the baby boom – I’m now 50 – and there were lots of other kids about) and usually enjoyed going to church (in Australia being a church going family was a bit unusual then, much more so now).
There were also mixed messages that I found strange. At church one morning we were told that it was good to share. At the municipal pool that afternoon I was told that I didn’t have to loan my zippy board (a plastic kickboard) just because someone asked me. What was I meant to do? What was the right thing to do? This made me puzzled and left me immobilised.
I also found it puzzling that I was expected to know how to do things. No one had shown me how and they expected me to know. All through school I was told to study something – but no one ever told me how. At the end of high school there was an after school class advertised as being on study skills. It turned out to be time management – not unimportant; but not how to study either. And this was in the last year of high school! In Australian schools students still aren’t taught how to study!
I vividly remember one evening repairing a hole in my parent’s quilt. I was shown how to sew over the hole and told to just keep doing it. This was a liberation for me, I remember thinking, “Oh, is that all there is too it? I can do that!”
Perhaps the major influence on my life was my mother’s anxiety. Her first child was still born – fifteen months before I was born. I then had a couple of fits at 18months. When she asked a medical specialist what she should do, she couldn’t stop me doing everything that might be remotely dangerous, he told her, “Don’t stop him, just watch him”. This reinforced my mother’s natural inclination to worry. I didn’t realise this at the time. It is only now that I realise my childhood was pervaded with a caring anxiety and that I concluded that the world was a scary place – but not in any particular way.
I’m wondering how you remember your childhood – whether you have the sense that you are very much the same person, or if you think you have changed very greatly? If you feel that you are an introvert or and extravert do you feel you were like this in childhood; or, if you feel you’ve changed, can your remember when this happened? Do you feel that your childhood experiences affected you – whether they were big or small experiences? Looking forward to hearing from you.
If you liked this post, you might also like this one,
An Introvert’s Authenticity
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: childhood, introversion
When we set out to study old age, we are to some extent studying recent history. We are studying the way the currently old behaved in their youth and middle age. And this can be 20, 50 or even 70 or more years ago, if we are looking at the very old.
Things have changed a lot in the last 20 years, let alone 50 or 70. This is a problem, because we want to learn what we learn from studying old people (and the societies that encourage a healthy old age). The question is if we can apply what we learn in today’s world, which has changed so much from the world that the old people grew up in.
One part of our western culture that has changed dramatically is the place given to family. Partly due to the cost of housing (especially in Australia, where I’m from, where the real cost of housing is increasing dramatically) it is rare for an extended family to live within walking distance. It is now common for them to be scattered between cities.
Does this mean that we must have a shorter life or a less healthy one than the healthy old people studied? To change our culture back to valuing family is more than one person (or perhaps even many thousands) can do.
What can we do?
Small things
- Prioritise friendship. Think up ways to spend enjoyable times with friends. If you go for a walk by yourself each day, you could perhaps involve a friend once a week. Make a time in your diary once a week or once a month where you do something to develop a friendship (new or old).
- If you are thinking of moving to a retirement village check out the kinds of communal facilities they offer. These will make it easier to form clubs and spend time with others.
- See if there is a club you can join around your interests.
- If you are in a tradition of faith, see if you can find a group that you are comfortable with and that would welcome you.
All of which takes time and lifestyle adjustments, which leads us to . . .
Big things
- See if there is a way to work part-time and spend your time developing friendships and doing things you love.
- See if there is a co-housing scheme which you like and where you want to live.
- Is there a way to design your life so that you are interruptible? So that you can easily stop what you are doing to help a friend?
These are big things and could take consistent work over quite a while to achieve. However, a healthy old age is a big concern, and these changes can often be made in small steps. And each step can be an improvement and feel good – it doesn’t require ‘discipline’ to keep on with these changes, just enjoying ourselves and finding ways to enjoy ourselves more. This is pretty much the ideal kind of change.
If you liked this post you may also be interested in these posts on,
How people live in societies characterised by a healthy old age, and,
What we can learn from how people live in societies characterised by a healthy old age.
My next eBook is going to be about societies characterised by a healthy old age and how this applies to our health. It will be mixing the research about the healthy old with research about the simple things we can do to stay healthy.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: family, healthy old age
At the moment I am finishing some employment, and preparing to move cities. This will mean less pressure on me in various ways (which will be a huge relief).
So it is a good time for me to step back and have a look at this blog. The feedback I have been getting has been nudging me in the direction of slowing down, and to focus on going deep and personal.
Please let me know what posts you have liked and what you would like to see more of. It’s important to me to know how people respond to what I write – and so anything and everything you would like to say is very welcome. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say and thanking you for it, Evan.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: feedback
In a guest post on the Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life blog I look at the place craft has in our lives. It is called Art and Craft. My starting point is my father’s trade – he does repetition turning (making widgets out of metal). Like any craftsperson he does the same thing over and over again. This is sometimes seen as bad work, as deadening; but it is the process of any craft – and is satisfying to the craftsperson.
This post is about the satisfaction that craft brings. It is different to the self-assertion and novelty that is often thought of as the artist. It is focused on producing good work. I think it is time that we honoured the craftsman and the contribution that pursuing a craft can make to our lives and our world.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: craft, creativity
A good blog friend of mine, Chris Edgar, has just started an important and worthwhile blog.
It is sorting through the criticisms of the self-help/self-development/personal-growth field. There has been a few books published lately doing this kind of thing.
I am very glad that Chris is doing this – I think that our thinking can get neglected in self-help while emotion and intuition are championed.
The blog is called DevInContext (Development In Context). I hope you will subscribe and contribute to a very important project. The first post is about the ethic of responsibility and whether it encourages self-blame.
Chris’s other blog Purpose Power Coaching is also of consistently high quality.
Would you like to feel less stressed?
Could you do with more joy in your life?
The answer is living authentically. Buy the book or sign up for the course now from my Living Authentically website.
Tags: critical thinking, personal development, responsibility, self-help
